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Patedwalters
Reviews
AVP: Alien vs. Predator (2004)
What could have been one of the most awesome movies to grace the screen in years turns out to be one of the worst movies to grace the screen in years.
Well, if you haven't already figured it out, this movie sucks. Too bad, it had so much potential too. There are numerous problems with this movie, well here we go:
Acting: It is poor. Other than Lance Henriksen, who doesn't really have much to work with, the actors clearly can't perform well. They are no-names and they quite frankly deserve it.
Direction: Mediocre at best. There is no talent in the direction here.
Script and Dialogue: I am not one the Paul W.S. Anderson haters, I have no problem with several of his films, but this one is just shameless. The dialogue is terrible. The actors aren't good, but even if they were, the script doesn't give them much to work with, case in point being Lance Henriksen who is slumming in this role. Yes I understand that Predator has bad dialogue too, but it is enjoyably bad dialogue at least. Numerous quotable line, my favorite being I ain't got time to bleed. There is no memorable dialogue here, it is just stupid dialogue.
Editing and Rating: They edited this movie to a point beyond bear-ability. You can barely tell what is going on during the hectic moments such as the fight scenes. Combined with the dark lighting and it is very confusing. This is mostly due to the shameless rating of the film. A PG-13, come on. I guess I can't blame the producers for this one though, had it been R the movie would have done no business because no adult in their right mind would like what is on display here.
This is shameless, disposable entertainment of the worst kind designed to make teenagers think they are watching a movie. It is a chore to sit through. Other than a couple of very brief genuinely cool moments, that encompass less than one minute of the film, there is nothing worth watching here. The target selling point of the film, other than the name recognition of course for fan boys, is the fight scenes. Well there are indeed two actual alien vs. predator fight scenes. But they are disappointing, as they are on a small scale and are over quickly. Plus they are edited ridiculously and dark to the point beyond recognition. You also have to wait a good while into the film( at least 45 minutes for the first one) to get to this point. And by then, the audience will be bored or asleep due to the poor acting, dull dialogue, and mediocre direction.
There is nothing here, no dread, no terror, no excitement, no fun, no awesomeness, no enjoyment, no wit, no charm, no humor, nothing genuine at all. Except genuine suck. The aliens on display here provoke no fear, and the predators are pushovers. The creatures of the previous films should teach them a lesson for masquerading as them. This is nothing more than a cheap retread imitation of the other films, without the atmosphere, thanks to the overwhelming darkness of the film, and without the proper pacing, thanks to the first 45 minutes of watching the humans walk around and act like idiots. This would all be good and everything if they actually had anything interesting to say, but they don't. They don't hold a candle to Ripley or Dutch or anyone else from the other films. This film is ultra serious, plodding, dull, and downright lame.
Godzilla (1998)
Wow, my expectations were low, but I can't believe this.
It had to happen eventually. 44 years after the original the Americans have to bastardize the Japanese classic. Well the results are here, and they are not looking good. The story is simple, all you really need to know is what you expect. Godzilla comes, he destroys, people fight, they die, eventually they defeat the creature. Well simplicity isn't the problem. Stupidity isn't either. Don't get me wrong, the film is stupid, but what do you expect from Roland Emmerich and his pals. I am not going to talk about how the people manage to lose a 400 foot tall creature several times, and I am not going to talk about how he changes sizes throughout the film. Stuff like this is to be expected. The Japanese movies commit atrocities just as bad as this.
What I am here to talk about is the shere boredom induced by this movie that the Japanese movies never brought about. The film is over 2 hours long, and throughout the only mildly entertaining scenes are the first time the creature shows himself and the car chase that concludes the film. There is a certain visual wowness factor at watching Godzilla tear his way through the city, but it wears away quickly. It was more effective on me when I first saw it when it came out when I had just turned six. I mean seriously, this movie is over 2 hours long and Godzilla is only on screen for about 15 minutes. Something is wrong with that. I mean really, did they expect us to be entertained by the idiot humans and their pointless talking.
The comedy is lame and so is everything else. We don't care about these humans and would rather Godzilla just kill them right of the bat. The movie also wastes a full 45 minutes dealing with Godzilla's children in a blatant Jurassic Park rip-off. It is yawn-inducing, as is most of the film. This film is a dull experience, from beginning to end, only occasionally resulting in some fun, but it is not nearly enough for a watch.
Last Man Standing (1996)
Enjoyable if rather dark action movie
This movie serves fine for some action, with excellently dark shoot-outs being shown as John Smith (Bruce Willis), as he has told us at least, wonders into this town and quickly learns to play the two opposing gangs for all they are worth, willing to kill in the process of course, which he does expertly while wielding two colt .45 1911's masterfully. This movie recalls both the westerns of of the sixties, one of which, For a Fistful of Dollars, is another adaptation of this movie's source material, Akira Kurosawa's Yojimbo, as well as the noir movies of the 40's. This may work for some but it does feel rather odd, in both a good and bad way. Bruce Willis, in grim and monotone manner, is perfect for the narration held in between the shoot-outs. This narration, along with the costume's of the characters, fedora's and all, are cheerful reminders of the noir movies of past, to show that perhaps that genre has a little life left within it. The desert setting in which this 1860's style ghost town, in which the two rival gangs square off, both with help from our main character, is located in is the main reminder then of the western part of this movie as well.
The Plot then is basically Bruce Willis's character playing both sides for whatever he can get. He is grimly cool in a certain way. The gangs then are the Irish, led by Doyle, and the Italians, led by Strozzi. These gangs are essentially copies of each other except for their names and accents, and perhaps their faces. The only difference of course being that Doyle has a psychotic second-in-command, or so we are told at the start of the movie. He, as a psychotic, is played by the true mother of all psychotic playing actors.... You guessed it, Christopher Walken, essentially playing Christopher Walken. The only other occupants of the town then are the sheriff, bartender, and undertaker.
In the end this is movie is certainly a dark one, although it is also not particularly serious in terms of realism. The atmosphere is extremely dark and grim as many characters are killed by Willis as well as Walken. It may actually be found depressing later on in the movie. However, contrary to this, the violence is often slightly comical. In one instance as many as forty bullets are needed to take down a character, and in others people, after having been shot by pistols, fly back several yards in the air. Something will certainly work for everyone who sees this movie, however only some will find all of these mixed aspects pleasurable when placed together as they have been here. This movie definitely employs major style, both in its shoot-outs and visual style. In parts of this film, the color has been diluted so much that it appears more or less selectively colored, such as in Sin City but not so much so. This will work for noir fans as well as those who find this bold style innovative and original, but others will find that it contributes more-so merely to the grim nature of this movie. The shoot-outs, undeniably are the best part of this movie and is all you desire is some good action then this movie fills that desire well. While this movie prefers darkness over fun, the stylistic and violent gunfights as well as the dark style will appeal to many, as it has to me. 7/10