Change Your Image
MonolithicJudge
Reviews
Red Dawn (1984)
I Hate Las Vegas!
I hate Las Vegas because I have been hypnotized; there is absolutely no other logical explanation on why I love this movie, except one day as I lay in slumber a sneaky man with a swirly coin crept into my room and whispered these sweet words in my ear, "When I snap my fingers you will love Red Dawn for all eternity, no matter how much you analyze or ridicule it, you will forever be bound to this motion picture." When the fingers snapped and my eyes flipped open on this fateful day I was, much like he foretold, forever bound to this film. Now I can't even begin to describe the laugh out loud problems with this film; alright I can give it a shot. Let's say I believe this alternate reality where Russia and communism prevails during the Cold War, fine no problem there. Moving on let's say I understand that these communist forces are interested in invading the United States for natural resources; still o.k. But after taking these things into account I still cannot for the life of me figure out why they would parachute an armored division into a small town in Colorado. What possible tactical advantage could you have being in an isolated state that is surrounded on all sides? The movie only gets better from there as the carnage begins; Mr. Tisdale (Also known as Eclipse from Lockup fame) is brutally massacred by a hail of gunfire after he tries to reason with these apparently off course skydivers. Uh, Mr. Tisdale these men have a whole bunch of guns maybe we should run out the back? Then again maybe not. After poor Tisdale goes down our hero, Patrick Swayze comes and saves the day by grabbing a handful of students and piling them into his pickup, they proceed to get the necessary provisions, (A football and some rice crispy treats) and head for the mountains only to have a hole shot into their radiator. Good thing old Jed (Swayze) knows how to fix those things MacGyver style (Probably with egg whites) and fortunately for them Danny has to go to the bathroom at that time. It's hard to document the film from here except for the funny things that happen within it; one, the boys sneak into town, (apparently something happened to the truck that we never find out about), and speak to a lady about toothbrushes; this lady, who happens to be a friend says the Cuban/Soviet troops are looking for them, which is funny because at this exact moment what appears to be a high ranking officer is staring directly at their faces and doesn't make a peep. Hilarity continues to ensue when the cast of misfits, labeled the Wolverines, begins to grow. For some reason Lea Thompson and Jennifer Grey join the squad only to make a few retarded comments, and then one Powers Boothe comes aboard as an Airforce Colonel who tries to inform us how the war efforts are going. My personal favorite part is when he is reciting what allies the U.S has, and informs how there are 600,000,000 screaming China men on our side. Darrell proceeds to state, "I thought there was a billion screaming China men?" Which the colonel replies, "There was." So let me get this straight, in this war China alone has lost over 400,000,000 people; which is roughly 80 times more loss of life than WWII. Since I apparently love this film I don't want to ruin too much more of it for you, except pay attention to when Jed is crying alone on a mossy rock, when he sniffs a big snot bubble comes out his nose which he quickly sucks back in; how did they miss this in editing. Also when the Soviet helicopter captain is talking about how to catch this band of Wolverines he has a picture of the actual animal on a white board; what would this accomplish, knowing what kind of furry critter they have named themselves after. Maybe it's just me and I am missing something important there. But the Judge does personally want you to enjoy this film, but hopefully you haven't been hypnotized like I have. If only I could go back in time and found out who did this to me, wait a second, where was Patrick Swayze on that particular night? He has some questions to answer.
Jack Frost (1997)
Maybe I Really Hate Myself?
Why? You wonder would the MonolithicJudge hate himself; maybe its because I keep forcing myself to watch these movies, possibly worse may be the fact that I am spending money on them (For future reference I purchase, not rent these films). Now to be honest this isn't the worst film I have ever seen, there are the Jigsaw's and Camp Fear's still running around out there, but geese there can't be any other more cheesily written then this thing. Let me sum up the film for you:) Starts out serial killer being transported for execution (Oddly enough the killer is named Jack Frost, pre snowman mutation) when suddenly the prison transport runs into a truck carrying a container full of deadly chemicals. The two crash and Jack gets free only to hang around and make some dumb comments, like when he says "This is going to hurt!" Right before the chemicals the truck was carrying explodes and then proceeds to melt Jack's flesh. Now such a thing has never happened to me, but if I was about to take a bath in acid I would prefer to have some more suitable last words rather than a foolish quip. Anyway Jack melts into the snow and then his DNA gets mixed up with the ice and he somehow becomes a talking snowman. Why a snowman I have no idea, maybe because his name was Jack Frost if nothing else. Continuing on Jack goes back to the town where he was captured by the bumbling sheriff and starts reeking havoc. First he knocks this kid down who happens to be in the path of a sled going a half mile an hour, soon the sled hits the kid's head and rips the thing off! Unbelievable, I didn't know sleds were such dangerous weapons. Pretty standard fair after that, Jack kills a lady by bashing her head in a box of ornaments and murders an old man by shoving an axe handle down his throat; another gets some icicles projectiles shot from Jack's flesh into his head and of course the best death of all is when the sexy young Shannon Elizabeth, (Yes that one) gets raped by a carrot in the bathtub. If you ever wondered about Ms. Elizabeth's acting prowess this scene will end any doubt, I mean how is it possible that she somehow managed a take when her arms jammed in this foam, incredibly fake looking snowman, while butt naked being rammed against the wall about ten times without breaking up into hysterics; how could the director have possibly motivated her for this scene? "All right Shannon, Jack is going to be in liquid form in the tub, the one you are soaking in, then he is going to solidify and rape you with his carrot wiener. Any questions?" "Uh yeah I got a question, can we fast forward a few years to when American Pie is made and erase my memory somehow? Please!" Is what she was surely thinking. Beyond those things there isn't much more to this film, Jack kills some more and cracks some stupid one liners that would make Arnold blush, in the end his undoing is some brown oatmeal which gets slapped against his face. Alright the oatmeal doesn't kill him but the secret ingredient inside does, Antifreeze! Yes the sheriff's son tries to murder his dad by putting that sweet, sweet engine coolant in the oatmeal; funny if you think about it because when the kid is making the oatmeal in the beginning the mother is standing right besides him, maybe the sheriff has more than one enemy in the town of Snowmonton; of course the town had to be named that. Admittedly this review doesn't do justice to how bad this film is and in fact will probably make more people want to see it (I.E men and Shannon Elizabeth fans), but please heed the Judge's plea, don't waste your time with this film, it would be more fun to jam an icicle through your eye.
Camp Fear (1991)
It Has Been Proved! God Does Exist!
Why you ask does this man claim to have the truth behind the existence of the almighty? Well its deductive logic my friends, you see I know God exists because Satan does, how else would my poor eyes have been soiled on such a horrendous film? Yes there is no doubt about it, on a cold Friday in the year 2006 Satan possessed me and forced me to watch this film. He what? You wonder; the devil makes little girls spit up vomit and climb ceilings, why would he waste his time in making you watch this film? My only conclusion to that query is that Satan believes watching Camp Fear is the worst form of mortal punishment, not gouging out your eyes or making you speak in tongues, instead making you sit mindlessly through one and half hours of the most awful film making ever. Can this film be as terrible as he says? Yes my friend watching this film is the equivalent of getting kicked in the sack about fifty million times, maybe more. But maybe I am being too harsh, this film does have a few moments in it, the beginning for example, starts in a sorority house with a lot of topless girls; now never being in a sorority I am unsure if girls really do this, but hey one can always pray. Now after the five minutes of boobs and butt cheeks has ended we are presented with a scene on campus at an all girls college; the girls themselves (about eight in all) are in an archaeological class, where they discuss virgin sacrifices and ancient mounds. Flash forward the professor of the class (who happens to be the only male at this girls college apparently) takes a handful of his nubile students, plus girlfriend, to a remote lake in the mountains, their quests, to find ancient Indian artifacts; yeah right professor, we know what angle your pitching. Now this is where the movie gets going, the group of five, four girls, one guy stops at a gas station to get some directions, but lo and behold a biker gang pulls up and harasses the girls, only to eventually leave them alone and go their separate ways. Moving on they get to a "campsite" consisting of four logs and some trees and then things start to go horribly wrong. First the prof. and his girlfriend go wandering away to have some alone time when one of the girls takes it upon herself to find them, only to be captured by some unknown force. Continuing on the other two girls begin searching for the missing girl when the bikers, plus one drunk guy, come looking for them, their plan, to rape the girls and do horrible things to them. The movie goes on with something about a druid needing four virgins for a sacrifice to save the world from some kind of water monster before the year two thousand; but their is a hitch to this plan Mr. Druid, one of the girls is devirginized right before us, so away goes that plan. Now since I said there would be spoilers I'll go ahead and ruin the end of the movie for you, the four girls get taken, drugged with some green goo and then are ready to be sacrificed, after one of them is killed the two remaining bikers and the prof. come to save them; they stand upon a ledge where the not lead biker says, "I think I can make it down there!" only to leap down and break his leg. The prof. runs at the guy and gets subdued only leaving the once rape-minded-now-heroic biker left to fend off the 6'3" giant druid. First he makes a pathetic attempt with a stick then pulls a knife, the knife reflects some lazer beam within a gold snakes mouth and lights the druid on fire instantaneously. Afterwords they carry the wounded away via emergency stick stretchers and ponder if everything is really over, only to have the lake bubble showing the monster within it still lives. In a nutshell that is the film and this is my review, which unfortunately will go unread by most eyes since this is only the fifth posted review for a film that has been out for fifteen years. Thankfully Satan can only get to some of us and not all. The Judge would like to make one heartfelt apology to the poor girl at Circuit City I am going to let borrow this movie; "I'm sorry Sheila, please don't hate me for letting you watch this."
Jigsaw (2002)
put the pieces back in the box, then burn the box
We've all been there, sitting with some friends watching a bad movie, laughing at how terribly it was made and how poor the acting was; eventually the credits roll and everyone looks around and says "how is it possible such a movie was made? who paid money to have this script made into a feature film?" Well Jigsaw is not that kind of film, instead of asking how this garbage was budgeted you wonder why the makers were shot out of a cannon into the sun. Yes, Jigsaw is quite possibly the worst movie ever made or conceived, this coming from a guy who has seen Campfire Stories and Fever Lake. The film starts out in some kind of college class, what kind of class I am unsure, but it is imagined to be an art class. Now these dorks have been given a final project by their idiot teacher, five of them are given pieces of a mannequin and told to design it in any way they see fit, and since there are only five pieces the other students in the class receive and automatic A, oddly enough there are only six students in this entire class so the one goth chic gets a free A, good for her! A week passes and the five students, plus teacher, plus one hillbilly husband meet in a bar to discuss their and complete their project, they put the pieces together, head, arms, legs and inform the others why they chose their specifics designs, now these creative geniuses used the week to their full advantage, one puts a saw blade in the left hand, the other gets a sawed off shotgun, the right leg gets a bunch of broken ceramic glued to it and the left some magazine clippings, the head is the worst getting a camera in the eye, ala Hellraiser 3, with some bottle rockets for a stylish mo-hawk. After they have all spilled their guts about their specifics designs the now drunk teacher says they are to burn the mannequin, now aptly named Jigsaw. Now up to this point it has been standard horrible movie fair, bad acting, dialog and everything else, but has still been pretty plausible, yet after Jigsaw catches fire things take a turn for the worst...Jigsaw comes alive.. How you ask? I have no idea, he just does because the writers couldn't think of a realistic way for two pounds worth of molded plastic to become alive (Come on guys, a bolt of lighting, a traveling voodoo priest, anything could have worked.) So once Jigsaw comes to life he uses his new abilities of walking very slow and stilted with the use of his molded fingers to wreak havoc. First he kills the cool guy with some barb wire, this guy who was about to get it on with a hot chic decides drinking ground beer off in the distance is more important than what is in front of him. With him gone Jigsaw shoots the sexy girl in the face and then gives an old man a heart attack with a slight twist of his head, he then saws up a nasty looking southern woman and then her hillbilly husband; Jigsaw then kills the nerdy guy with some headless deception. Did I mention Jigsaw was taking body parts off his victims to make a human version of himself? No! Well its not important they don't even show his macabre creation, they don't even show him steal away a torso from his poor creators (Maybe he was trying to create the head detective from In Living Color). So after these five have been killed the teacher and the nerdy girl are all who is left, the teacher figures out that Jigsaw only needs a head to finish his masterpiece, since he is still uninterested in that torso thing. So being the coward he is the teacher ties up the girl as a sacrifice to Jigsaw who comes in only to go for the teacher with his electric buzz saw which isn't even plugged in. That is where the freaking movie ends, we don't even get to see the teacher get killed or what happens to the girl, let alone an explanation why Jigsaw came to life or how he cleaned himself off after being burned. This movie is so shameful it has too be seen, it is only 71 minutes so it is a small part of your day; For the memories of a lifetime, Jigsaw, Jigsaw, Jigsaw. Thank you Total Recall! The Judge has ruled, watch Jigsaw only if your plans of severing off your genitals seems played out.