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Batman & Robin (1997)
I struggle whether to rate this is1 or 10 stars
Batman and Robin is completely awful or it's a genius work of art. If this is like Gremlins 2 and bad on purpose then it's genius but my inclination is that it just plain bad. I think everyone was in on the joke except the director Joel Schumacher. Clooney, Uma and Arnold must have ready the script and said "This is godawful but they are paying me a butt load of money so here we go"
Instead of giving a summary of the movie, I'll just give a few goofy observations
-How many cold puns can Mr. Freeze(Arnold Schwarzenegger) have?
-Is there a worse actor than Chris O'Donnell and was he the only one who thought this was great?
-How creepy is Batgirl(Alicia Silverstone) and Alfred's relationship? They are holding hands, she comes to tuck him in bed while stroking his hair. Creepy!
-Cool cameos from Jesse Ventura as Mr. Freeze's bodyguard and Vivica A. Fox as a snow bunny Ms. B. Haven
-Why is Bane dressed up like an overgrown luchador wrestler? He looks like something more fitting for an after school Nickelodeon show like The Goosebumps. They even have the horrible sound effects when he beats up dudes in fluorescent paint.
-Poison Ivy dies via Seymour from Little Shop of Horrors
-George Clooney actually isn't a terrible Batman
-Are the bat nipples in Batman's suit because of how cold Mr Freeze keeps it? Now this is a cheesy pun we needed and didn't get.
Body Heat (1981)
Did Air Conditioning not exist in 1981?
It's a modern noir, well modern in the sense that the movie is in color and released in 1981. The plot is simple enough, a small town lawyer (William Hurt) falls in love then helps a young rich sexy woman(Kathleen Turner) kill her husband. Turner has to share the will with her husbands sister so she forges the will so that she gets it all. This greedy little endeavor gets the cops looking at her and William Hurt much closer since they are outwardly together now. Turner gets killed in a boathouse explosion and hurt goes to prison for murder. While in prison Hurt figures out Turner faked her own death and kept all the money. That trifling female dog!
The movie is pretty good but has some goofy plot points. The beginning is kind of rapey and hokey with Hurt saying 'hey baby wanna fudge" (except he doesn't say fudge) and then she tells him to leave. Instead of leaving he tries every door and then throws a chair through the window. She is turned on by this for some odd reason. Couldn't she of just opened the door? Kind of hard to explain to others why the window is broken and a pain to fix. Also everyone is always sweaty indoors. I was alive in 1981 and I am positive A/C existed in South Florida then.
Planet Earth (2006)
The equivalent of dating an uninteresting hot girl
So I have finally gotten around to watching Planet Earth after seeing it ranked as the Top ranked TV show of all time on IMDB's list. My observations are simply. The producers/directors did an amazing job of getting high definition gorgeous footage of animals in their natural habitat. The footage is absolutely beautiful buuuuuut....other than that this is basically just Wild Kingdom or any Animal Planet show. It's not entertaining in an exhilarating way. It's just pretty to look at which makes for a tough time watching 11- 49 minute episodes.
So I go back to my headline. This is the equivalent of dating an uninteresting hot girl. Sure she's great to look at but after awhile you need some substance.
Phone Booth (2002)
Keifer is Ghostface
Remember the opening scene from Scream? Where there is a faceless caller calling Drew Berrymore and telling her that he's watching her? Well basically they took that concept and put it into a movie. I was half expecting Keifer Sutherland to ask Colin Farrell what his favorite scary movie was.
Anyway, Colin plays a con artist like publicist/casting agent using his position to get it on with a naive young actress (Katie Holmes). He uses the same phone booth to call her each day in order to not have a record on his cell phone of the calls for his wife to see. A faceless caller (Sutherland) watches him each day and acts as some sort of psycho moral police. He's got a sniper rifle pointed at Colin in some unknown window and wants Colin to tell on himself. He wants him to make amends as the entire NYPD and media watch this all unfold. The media and NYPD have no idea of Keifer's existence and think Colin has a gun and is suicidal.
The concept works as the film keeps you on the edge of your seat and is only 81 minutes long.
South Park: Mecha-Streisand (1998)
South Park pays tribute to Godzilla like movies but not to Barbs
The show starts off with the boys on an archaeology field trip and Cartman singing slave songs. " Massa' got me working. Work is never finished. Someday massa' set me free". Soon he finds a triangle but throws it away and Kyle picks it up. Cartman whines and Kyle after being sick of hearing Cartman cry, gives it back. The magic triangle gets him on the news and soon Barbara Streisand comes looking for it.
Leonard Maltin shows up to stop Babs from getting the triangle but fails. She ends up torturing the boys until the give her the triangle. She then becomes Mecha-Streisand, a Godzilla like monster from those cheesy 60's and 70's B movies. Soon Sydney Portier shows up and turns himself into a monster but he too fails. Enter Robert Smith from the Cure, he turns himself into some sort of giant butterfly and stops Babs.
I have no idea the connection of these celebrities but the randomness of South Park is park of the humor.
My favorite Cartman quote of the show " I kicked him in the nuts and he cried like Nancy Kerrigan"
Oh and Kenny dies on the tether ball court after being strangled by the rope.
South Park: Tom's Rhinoplasty (1998)
The boys want to be lesbians because Mr Garrison looks like David Hasselhoff
Ok so my title is a little misleading but in around about way, it's true.
Mr Garrison takes a leave of absence as a teacher in order to get a face lift. Once the plastic surgeon is done, Mr Garrison now looks like David Hasselhoff. Meanwhile back at school, the boys are now in love with the new substitute Ms Ellen. Stan's girlfriend Wendy tells Ms Ellen "Stay away from my man, b!#ch" Turns out Ms Ellen is actually a lesbian but the boys don't know what that means. Cartman says "My mom says if you want to be a lesbian, you have to lick carpet", so they all get on the floor in Cartman's living room and lick.
Mr Garrison can't handle all the female attention since his face lift so he goes back to the plastic surgeon for a reversal. Meanwhile Wendy hires Iraqi terrorists to kidnap Ms Ellen. Kenny is killed by the terrorists.
Gold (2016)
If you like your McConaughey with a potbelly and bald spot, this is for you
The plot is basically McConaughey finds a gold mine (literally) in Indonesia and soon a big NYC firm wants to become business partners with him. The business soon skyrockets and his girlfriend played by Bryce Dallas Howard leaves him. The firm offers to buy him out for 300 million (this is in the late 70's or early 80's) and he gets ticked off and turns it down. He eventually losses it all because of corporate greed and political maneuvering. He goes back Howard who takes him and tells him he's got a pile of mail. It ends with him having a check for 82 million.
There's a scene where McConaughey is trying to seduce his girlfriend while in a robe and tighty whiteys. His bald head and potbelly really standout.
South Park: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo (1997)
Introducing my favorite Christmas song
Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo is South Park's 1st Christmas episode and they hit an absolute home run. The show starts off with Mr Garrison trying to put on a school Christmas play only to have Kyle's mom protest because the play has a nativity scene. This prompts Cartman to sing "Kyle's mom is a b*!ch" in D-minor. Soon everything is taken away because it offends someone.
Mr Hankey, the talking piece of poop soon appears to Kyle but only he can see him as a talking, living being; everyone else just sees a piece of poop. At the end though everyone sees Mr Hankey and they sing his song.
Mr Hankey the Christmas poo.
He loves me and I love you
Sometimes he nutty, sometimes he's corny
He can be brown or greenish brown
But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve
He might come to your town
"I'm not fat, I'm feastively plump"-Cartman
"Howdy-Ho!"-Mr Hankey
Oh and Kenny lives because it's Christmas
South Park: Starvin' Marvin (1997)
The 1st Thanksgiving Episode
Mr Garrison: "Ok class can anyone tell me what a can drive is?"
Cartman: "That's when they cut up a woman's stomach to get the baby out"
Mr. Garrison: " No Eric. That's a Cesarean section. Remember there are not stupid questions, just stupid people"
This is how the episode starts during the 1st Thanksgiving episode. The 4 boys are soon watching tv and a commerical comes on with Sally Strothers telling people to feed the starving kids in Africa. She says anyone who donates will get a free sports watch. The boys really want the watch so they donate but delivered to them instead is Marvin the Ethiopian boy. They take Starvin Marvin to an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. Cartman explains the process to Marvin. "We come here every Tuesday to eat for 6.99, except for Kenny's family because he's too poor. Why is your family poor Starvin' Marvin? Is your dad an alcoholic too?"
There's genetically engineered killer turkey's that eventually kill Kenny. Cartman is sent back to Africa instead of Marvin where he discovers Strothers' large supply of snacky cakes. Marvin kills all the turkeys and brings them back to Africa.
Tons of funny scenes
Basic Instinct (1992)
Crotch shot heard 'round the world
Basic Instinct is the erotic drama that made Sharon Stone a star. The movie opens with a very erotic sex scene that soon turns into a gruesome murder of the male lover with an ice pick while in the throws of passion. Enter Michael Douglas (Nick) as the lead homicide detective who's dealing with his own internal affairs issues for a shooting.
Stone plays Catherine Tramell a romance/thriller author who's latest novel is about a rock star getting killed by her lover while tied up with a white scarf with an ice pick. Stone was dating the guy who was killed and he just so happens to be a washed up rock star. The cops take her in for questioning and there are like 6 policemen in the interview room including Newman from Seinfeld. This is the infamous scene where Catherine uncrosses her legs revealing that she doesn't have on underwear. It was a huge deal in 1992 but it's not nearly as vulgar as I remembered it being.
Nick's former girlfriend plays the police psychologist who he's forced to see due to his involvement in a shooting. Catherine gets him all worked up so he has really rough sex with his ex girlfriend. The movie kind of dies from here until Nick and Catherine finally hook up. It's soon revealed that his ex and Catherine had a lesbian affair back in college. Catherine gets in Nick's head about his ex being a crazy stalker. In some crazy convoluted ordeal, Nick's partner gets stabbed by an ice pick. We don't see the killer but Nick's ex shows up and Nick shoots her thinking she's the killer. He goes straight to see Stone and they have sex because that's what one does when one kills a former lover? It just ends here with them both in bed and an ice pick on the night stand.
1st act good, 2nd act blah, 3rd act dumb as there was no real ending.
The Break-Up (2006)
Fast talking, lazy Vince Vaughn breaks up with the gorgeous Jennifer Anniston
Vince Vaughn has made millions by using the formula that worked for screwball comedies in the 1940's; say a lot of words really fast and it will be considered funny. It works but he does the same routine over and over and it's getting played out.
Gary(Vaughn) meets Brooke (Jennifer Anniston) at a Cubs game. He annoyingly bothers her about a hot dog so much that she eventually agrees to go out with him. It works because we fast forward and they own a condo together. He's part owner of a tour guide company in Chicago, he's lazy and is basically a 40 year old frat boy. She works as a art gallery curator and is more cultured. They break up but neither is willing to move out of the condo until they can sell it. She actually wants him back and tries to get him to see the error of his ways. He's a slob, fat, lazy, and disrespectful. He should be trying to get her back. He even stands her up when she's trying to make amends at the end and he stands her up. He realizes the error of his ways towards the end but it's too late. She goes on a long trip and a long time passes and they bum into each other on the street. Then it ends. Decent Rom-Com with a few funny spots but it doesn't follow the formula, NO HAPPY ENDING.
A few funny moments and quotes I liked:
" I'm not say he won't get married. I'm not even saying he won't have kids. I'm just saying 1 day his wife will come home and a guy named Julio are clubbing each other to Yanni's greatest hits"- when talking about Brooke's possibly gay brother
"Is that how you want to play it? I'll play it like Lionel Richie, All Night Long!"
South Park: Pinkeye (1997)
South Park's 1st Halloween episode
The show starts off with Kenny getting killed right away and becoming a zombie. He then meets his friends at the bus stop where Kyle is dressed as Chewbacca (so is the entire rest of the school). Stan is Raggedy Andy (apart of a supposed couples costume with Wendy) and Cartman is Hitler! It's laugh out loud funny. They get to school where their teach Mr Garrison is dressed as Marilyn Monroe, and Cartman is sent to the principal's office for his costume. The principal decides to make him a ghost costume but he comes out looking like a KKK member. Zombie's (the town thinks they all have pink eye) overtake the town until Chef and company kill all the zombies.
Dean Smith (2015)
Solid documentary on everyone's basketball grandpa
This Dean Smith documentary is a Showtime original and gets a lot of great basketball people from Dean's basketball life to chime in with people like: Michael Jordan, James Worthy, Roy Williams, Larry Brown, Coach K, Antwan Jameson and many others. The film goes back to his roots in Kansas and how he and his dad helped integrate his high school team, his college career at Kansas and being coached by Phog Allen, and his assistant days under Frank McGuire.
The film then goes into his first years losing at North Carolina, his recruiting of the 1st black player and finally his success in winning 2 National Championships and winning the most games of any college coach. It then goes into his post career political stances and finally his death. Sam Waterson narrates and in my opinion they should have gotten a sports commentator to bring more enthusiasm to the narration.
South Park: Death (1997)
"I'd never kill somebody; not unless they 'tick' me off"
This episode tackles two very controversial topics; assisted suicide and censorship. On the one hand we have Stan's 102 year old grandpa asking for Stan's help in killing him. The other story line has the kids watching Terrance and Phillip, the vulgar Canadian cartoon and Kyle's mom freaking out. (This is South Park making a parody of themselves) She gets the towns parents to boycott the network. While protesting, half the town catches Kenny's explosive diarrhea and the other half catapult their bodies against the network building. While this is going on, Death shows up and chases the boys, then Grandpa chases him. Death doesn't kill Grandpa but he does kill Kenny.
"I think I caught the flu from little Kenny. I have the green apple splatters"-Mr. Garrison
"Kyle's mom is a stupid b ****"-Cartman (this would later be said in many episodes and be turned into songs)
Screwballs (1983)
The McDowell's version of Porky's
A movie that could only be made in the early 80's. It has a very USA "Up All Night with Rhonda Shear" vibe to it except with a lot more nudity. It's very much Porky's redheaded step child as the entire plot is 5 high school guys trying to see a high school virgin named Purity's boobs. A mission that no man has yet to accomplish. Yes that is the plot.
There's a scene where they go strip bowling and the stereotypical typical nerd gets his member stuck in one of the holes. A couple girls get him all worked up and he "shoots" the ball down the lane for a strike. Why did I give this movie 3 stars again?
South Park: An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig (1997)
We should all be allowed to own a potbellied elephant
We start off with Stan's sister beating him up and Cartman giving his stance on women. " Hey get in the kitchen and make me a pie" "Knit me a sweater before I slap you in the face" "Stop dressing me like a mailman and making me dance for you while you smoke crack and have sex with someone I don't know on my dad's bed" (Insert the laughing with tears emoji)
Kyle sets out to make his potbellied elephant and goes to this creepy cloning lab. The lab director does weird genetic experiments like making a monkey with 4 buttocks. When Stan's pig has it's babies, it comes out with Mr Garrison's face!
Kenny dies when a cloned Stan puts Kenny in a microwave
This marks the 1st episode where Cartman says "Screw you guys, I'm going home"
South Park: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride (1997)
It's Super, Thanks for asking.
The boys are at the bus stop when Stan's dog Sparky rapes another male dog. Then later on while the boys are at football practice, he rapes another male dog. Stan being confused Mr Garrison about gays to which Mr Garrison replies " Gay people are evil and to go to football practice like a good heterosexual" Soon Sparky runs away because Stan doesn't want a gay dog. He ends up at Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. Stan goes to get his dog back and Al takes him on a 'It's a Small World' like ride to teach him the history of gayness. The absurdity is hilarious.
Kenny dies during the football game when he is tackled by the entire opposing team
"I'm Super! Thanks for asking!"-Big Gay Al
Mother's Day (2016)
Please Garry Marshall just stop!
First we had Valentine's Day then New Year's eve and now Mother's Day. I can't wait for his next films Arbor Day and Boxing Day with only Canadian actors.
It's another ensemble cast movie set around Mother's Day. We got Mother's like Bubba Gump had shrimp. We got your divorced mother, We got new step mother, We got interracial mother, we got gay mothers, we got dead mothers, we got racist mothers, and we even got mom's giving up babies for adoption reconnecting mothers! You want it, we got it!
A few cheap laughs and pulls on the heart strings but it's a cookie cutter bore.
Tell Your Children (1936)
Unintentionally hilarious propoganda
I wanted to give this 10 stars based on how ridiculously funny it was then I wanted to give it 1 star for the uneducated intent of it's creators. So I decided to go in between and give it 5. Honestly, I have no idea how to rate this movie.
It's a 1936 propaganda film about the dangers of marijuana. Their joints must have been laced with PCP and crack because all the potheads I know are pretty relaxed. Not these kids! They've got more energy than a spider monkey all hopped up on Mountain Dew. They are driving cars like madmen running into people, raping women, murdering, dancing all crazy to Jazz; the devil's music!
The guy at the end smokes his joint and starts yelling at the girl to play the piano faster. He's all tweaked out like The Great Cornholio from Beavis and Butthead. He ends up beating a guy to death for looking at him. That Marijuana is the Devil!
South Park: Weight Gain 4000 (1997)
BEEFCAKE!!!!!!
Cartman cheats and wins an environmental essay contest so Kathy Lee Gifford is coming to town to give him an award. He wants to get into shape since he will be on tv so he starts taking Weight Gain 4000 because the commercial says it will get you ripped and in the best shape of your life. Well Cartman gets even fatter because he just takes the Weight Gain and doesn't work out.
Mr Garrison tries to assassinate Kathy Lee for beating him in a talent show when they were little. She's in a Pope like bubble most of the time. When She goes to give the award to Cartman, the stage collapses due to his massive amount of weight so Mr Garrison's shot misses Kathy Lee and hit's Kenny.
BEEFCAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!
South Park: Volcano (1997)
His left arm was made of celery and his leg was Patrick Duffy and he weaved wicker baskets
Stan's uncle Jimbo takes the boys out to the woods to teach them how to hunt. He tells them that they can shoot anything they want as long as they say "It's coming right for us! " because the Democrats won't let them hunt when they want. Cartman replies " I hate Democrats" He shoots a bear then shoots a deer with a bazooka and then it's turn for Stan to shoot a rabbit but he can't shoot the bunny.
The town soon gets warning that a volcano is set to blow and ruin South Park but the campers are oblivious. Around the fire that night Cartman tells a scary story of Scuzzlebutt. He has celery in place of his left arm and one of his legs is TV's Patrick Duffy. He also weaves wicker baskets. The boys laugh at him saying he's terrible at scary stories. Soon a fireball kills Kenny and the boys are in the path of the lava until the real Scuzzlebutt saves them. The show ends with Chef singing his new hit " Hot Lava" and it turns out Kenny wasn't dead but dies when a gun accidentally discharges.
Other Character intros:
Ned: Jimbo's old war buddy who speaks through a voice box
Mayor: She's a clueless politician. Her secretary calls and says the geologist is on line 1. Her reply "Tell him the infection is fine and I will reschedule the appointment"
Randy: The geologist. We don't learn his name in this episode but he'll later be introduced as Stan's dad
South Park: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe (1997)
Watch it or Scott Baio will give you pink eye
20 plus years after I 1st watched it and it still cracks me up. This was their 1st real episode on Comedy Central and I remember falling in love with it then.
We get introduced to the 4 young boys, Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny as they wait for the school bus. Cartman tell the guys about his dream and they tell him that it wasn't a dream and he was abducted by aliens. Kyle's little brother Ike (he an adopted Canadian that's why his head is shaped different)shows up "Don't kick the baby". Chef, the school cafeteria cook voiced by Isaac Hayes shows up and asks them if they saw aliens last night.
Soon Cartman starts farting fire because he's been alien anal probed. It makes him go into song and dance " I like to sing-a, about the moon and the stars and the spring-a". Kenny gets killed, as would become a running them of the show when he's shot by aliens, stomped by a herd of cows ad finally run over by a police car. This causes stan to proclaim " Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" It ends with aliens abducting Cartman. They bring him back the next day but Scott Baio gave him pink eye.
Character Intros:
Ms Crabtree: the cranky bus driver with a birds nest and live bird in her hair
Officer Barbrady: The clueless police officer.
Mr Garrison: Their teacher who always has a puppet named Mr Hat on his hand
Wendy Testaburger: Stan's crush that makes him nervously puke each time she talks to him
Mrs Cartman: Cartman's mom. When Cartman calls his pet cat a sexual toy she says " Then I know a kitty who's sleeping with mommy tonight"
" Yeah, I want Cheesypoofs"-Cartman
The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005)
Don't we all yell "Kelly Clarkson" when getting our chest waxed?
I've seen this movie at least 20 times and still laugh every single time. That is the reason I give this movie 10 stars. Do I believe it belongs on IMDb's top 250 list for best movies of all time? No, but it would be on mine.
The premise is simple. Steve Carell plays Andy a 40 year old virgin who works at a Circuit City like store. His co-workers(Seth Rogan, Paul Rudd and Romany Malco) find out and set out to get him laid. Along the way he falls for a single mom played by Catherine Keener but feels too much pressure to have sex with her.
Funny scenes include the chest waxing scene that had to be real. The phrases that Andy screams every time he gets waxed are hilarious. The scene where he picks up Leslie Mann in the club and she drunk drives them both home while singing Missy Elliot and then puking on him is hysterical. The video game scene where Rudd and Rogan ad-lib insults at each other. Too many to name.
Hilarious yet vulgar and worthy of multiple viewings.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
The beginning is Full Frontal...Funny
Jason Segel plays Peter a somewhat lazy musician who specializes in scoring tv shows. He's dating actress Sarah Marshall played by Kirsten Bell. Right in the beginning of the movie, she dumps him causing Peter to drop his towel and to show all of his goodies. I almost pee'd on myself from laughing so hard.
Peter is heartbroken so he heads to Hawaii to get away but guess who is there? That's right Sarah Marshall and she's there with the guy she cheated on him with, rock star Aldous Snow (Russel Brand). Mila Kunis plays a front desk clerk that feels bad for Peter, gets him a great suite and tries to help get him out of his funk. Funny stuff happens from here, Mila Kunis and Peter fall in love and there is a very weird puppet show at the end.
It's a predictable Rom-Com in a lot of ways, has a decent amount of laughs but is too long.
Dead Poets Society (1989)
Old people suck....unfortunately I am one of them
This is the story of a bunch of teenage kids at a very conservative boarding school. The school ends up hiring a liberal English teacher John Keating (Robin Williams) who tries to teach them all to be free thinkers. The main kid Neil, played by Robert Sean Leonard aka Dr Wilson from House, wants to act but his dad forbids it. His dad is played by Red Foreman from That 70's Show. Neil eventually defies his father and acts in a play anyway so his dad pulls him from the school. Neil kills himself because he can't talk to his father and tell him how he feels. The school fires Keating because they blame him for Neil's death. The ending scene has Neil's best friend Todd (Ethan Hawke) stands upon his desk in protest then 7-8 others join him and it ends with the dean screaming at them to get down.
A great story about non-conformity