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tuckhead
Reviews
Cats (2019)
Who thought this was a good idea?
I am far from an expert on musicals and my singing and dancing are subpar, but I thought Cats was ok. Not this movie but the play/musical whatever it's called with real people on a stage. This abomination gave me nightmares and I am an old dude. The story, music, and acting could have been amazing, but no one will ever know because visually the entire film is like a million fingernails scratching slowly down a million chalkboards. It was like Gilbert Gottfried singing the most beautiful song ever, the song itself is still good you just never know it because it is dressed in the worst visual effects ever. And James Corden, how is he a thing? He isn't funny, his voice is the vocal equivalent of the visual effects of this movie. I would rather put leaches on my eyeballs than be in the same universe where this doucherocket exists.
Muppet Treasure Island (1996)
Should focused on this film for my thesis
A disclaimer first: I am a nautical archaeologist and historian who focuses on maritime trade and warfare in the Americas. That sounds cool but is not as exciting as Tim Curry as Long John Silver. During my studies I always found an excuse to watch pirate movies instead of doing anything productive. This is one of the best pirate movies out there. This is by far my favorite Tim Curry role and second favorite Kermit role. I could bore you with the implications between piracy and the economies of maritime communities or how the dynamics of shipboard life is demonstrated through the film, but if my advisor thought I was crazy you probably will too. It's funny, good for the whole family, but does not really stand up as an exploration of economic motivations within the maritime communal webs of colonial North America.
The Little Mermaid (2023)
Kind of liked, kind of didn't, kind of fell asleep towards the end.
I took my two daughters to see this and thought it would be a good forty dollar nap. It was not as bad as I thought it would be and I thought the girl that played Ariel was really good. Surprisingly, Melissa McCarthy was pretty good as Ursula. But, the dude who plays Prince Eric sucked. I mean his acting wasn't bad and he kind of looked like the cartoon guy, but his song hurt, it felt like I was listening to an 8-track of Ben Stein singing the hits of Mariah Carey in my grandfather's old Mercedes. And the bird, I am not sure who thought it was a good idea to have that abomination rap/sing but there have been better rappers in after school specials and D. A. R. E videos. What could have fixed all of this is having the world's greatest thespian play all the roles except Ariel, Ursula, and the Queen, Billy Zane could have single handedly saved the whole movie. I fell asleep right after the whole Ursula on the patio part and didn't wake up until they were getting ready to leave, so I am not sure how it actually ends, but my daughters liked it, so it must be appealing to young girls who think ketchup is a main course.
Who's the Boss? (1984)
Who was really the boss?
I watched the entire series and I am still unsure who the boss was? Tony Danza is excellent as Tony Danza. I would have loved to see a Mr. Belvedere crossover or more crime fighting, but alas our dreams were never realized. This was standard afternoon tv fare when my afternoons were not filled by the endless prattling of people wanting me to be like an adult or something. I would like someone to explain to me who was the boss. Was it like Charlie's Angels where we never saw the boss? I bet it was Willie Ames or maybe Earnest Borgnine either way I feel very let down that it was never revealed, maybe Elton John should rethink holding him closer.
Se7en (1995)
Who cares what's in the box?
A pretty good movie ruined by the single best example of overacting in the history of film. Did no one think to reel Brad in a little? My suggestion is once they are in the van skip to the end.
Encanto (2021)
Come on man...
I wanted this movie to be good and I was sadly disappointed. Visually it was awesome, some of the songs were good, but the story seemed like an afterthought. This could have been a great movie, it could have been a contender, but instead it was a pretty mess.
The Phantom (1996)
BILLY ZANE, KING OF THE CINEMA
This film deserved at least two hundred and seven sequels. Billy Zane is a superhero in real life; in this movie we finally get to see him play one. Mr. Zane is a god among men. He is a world treasure and we as his loyal subjects should demand a statue be erected of him in every government building. He captured the essence of Sunday comic strips and delivered it to us like it was the head of the baptizer. Thank Billy Zane.
Team America: World Police (2004)
The most accurate portrayal of the modern world
The most realistic view of today's world and puppet sex. There are few movies that truly capture the essence of American in the post 9-11 world. Matt Damon is amazing as Matt Damon.
Titanic (1997)
Bad movie only saved by one actor
A sappy movie about a petty criminal who falls in love with a murderous, thieving rich girl on a poorly designed ship. The story is predictable and boring, the soundtrack is equivalent to a million fingernails on a million chalkboards. The only redeeming thing about this film is the amazing performance by the master, Billy Zane. Once again Mr. Zane shows off his prodigious acting abilities and turns a rather bland movie into a master piece. Leonardo DiCaprio should have paid closer attention to him and maybe he would have learned something. This movie is only worth watching if you fast forward to Billy Zane's parts and the part where the guy who use to play guitar at the bar by my old house tries to give the Captain a life jacket. More Zane and less Leo please.
Pee-wee's Big Adventure (1985)
A multilayered tale of adventure and peril
This is one of the best retelling of Homer's Odyssey. Like the original poem, but with bicycles, dinosaurs, the Alamo, and spectral truck drivers. The true pinnacle of film making brilliance. A gem for all generations to enjoy.
Charles in Charge (1984)
Perfect Willie Ames vehicle
This show is the perfect showcase for the amazing talent of Willie Aames. His prodigious talent carried this show and he should have won an Oscar, an Emmy, a Golden Globe, and the Presidential Medal of Freedom. We should all be thankful he graced us with the beauty of his work. Thank you Willie.