- J. Algernon Hawthorne: I must say, if I had the grievous misfortune to be a citizen of this benighted country, I should be the most hesitant at offering any criticism whatever of any other.
- J. Russell Finch: Wait a minute, are you knocking this country? Are you saying something against America?
- J. Algernon Hawthorne: Against it? I should be positively astounded to hear of anything that could be said FOR it. Why, the whole bloody place is the most unspeakable matriarchy in the whole history of civilization! Look at yourself, and the way your wife and her strumpet of a mother push you through the hoop! As far as I can see, American men have been totally emasculated. They're like slaves! They die like flies from coronary thrombosis, while their women sit under hairdryers, eating chocolates and arranging for every second Tuesday to be some sort of Mother's Day! And this positively infantile preoccupation with bosoms. In all my time in this wretched, godforsaken country, the one thing that has appalled me most of all is this preposterous preoccupation with bosoms. Don't you realize they have become the dominant theme in American culture: in literature, advertising and all fields of entertainment and everything. I'll wager you anything you like: if American women stopped wearing brassieres, your whole national economy would collapse overnight.
- Mrs. Marcus: [holding cactus plant] Well, uh, where shall I put this?
- J. Russell Finch: [double take] Oh, boy.
- Tyler Fitzgerald: Anybody can fly plane, now here: I'll check you out. Put your little hands on the wheel there. Now put your feet on the rudder. There. Who says this ol' boy can't fly this ol' plane? Now I'm gonna make us some Old Fashioneds the old-fashioned way - the way dear old Dad used to!
- Benjy Benjamin: What if something happens?
- Tyler Fitzgerald: What could happen to an Old Fashioned?
- Lennie Pike: Then what happens next? I'll tell you what happens: Then they all decide that I'm supposed to get a smaller share! That I'm somebody extra special stupid, or something! That they don't even care if it's a democracy! And in a democracy, it don't matter how stupid you are, you still get an equal share!
- Benjy Benjamin: Look! We've figured it seventeen different ways, and every time we figured it, it was no good, because no matter how we figured it, somebody don't like the way we figured it! So now, there's only one way to figure it. And that is, every man, including the old bag, for himself!
- Ding Bell: So good luck, and may the best man win!
- Benjy Benjamin: [to Mrs. Marcus] Right! Except you,lady. May you just drop dead!
- Lennie Pike: All right, all right, we all agree on that. Now look, let's be sensible about this thing. There's money in this for all of us. Right? There's enough for you, there's enough for you, and for me, and for you, and there's enough for...
- [they all race to their cars]
- Emmeline Finch: Oh Russell, I feel sick.
- J. Russell Finch: Now take it easy honey, these things happen ya know.
- Mrs. Marcus: Now what kind of an attitude is that, "these things happen"? They only happen because this whole country is just full of people, who when these things happen, they just say "these things happen," and that's why they happen!
- Lennie Pike: [after Smiler Grogan literally kicks the bucket] That guy's dead. You better believe it.
- Benjy Benjamin: Oh, I believe it all right, but if he jumps up again like he did before, I'm gonna get the hell out of here.
- Tyler Fitzgerald: You know what I need? I need a drink. There's some ice and stuff back there. Why don't you make us all some old fashioneds?
- Ding Bell: "Old Fashions"? Do you think you oughta drink while you're flying?
- Tyler Fitzgerald: Well stop kidding, will ya, and make us some drinks! You just press the button back there marked "booze". It's the only way to fly!
- Tyler Fitzgerald: Uh... Just a minute. I... I cahhn't see.
- Ding Bell: What?
- Tyler Fitzgerald: Something's happened to my eyes. I-I-I cahhn't - I cahhn't see.
- Ding Bell: You cahhn't see? He cahhn't see.
- Benjy Benjamin: Must be an eye cold.
- Tyler Fitzgerald: George! George!
- Otto Meyer: I wish I knew what they're going to do to us. But no matter what happens to us...
- Otto Meyer: [to Captain Culpeper] ... what happens to you, I hope will be worse!
- Capt. T.G. Culpeper: I don't think you have to worry too much about that. My wife is divorcing me, my mother-in-law is suing me for damages, my daughter is applying to the courts to have her name changed, my pension has been revoked. And the only reason that you ten idiots will very *likely* get off *lightly*, is because the judge will have me up there to throw the book at!
- Third Cab Driver: [sarcastically] Oh, that's tough. Oh ho ho ho.
- Capt. T.G. Culpeper: I'd like to think that sometime, maybe ten or twenty years from now, there'd be something I could laugh at... Anything.
- J. Russell Finch: You want me to tell you something? As far as I'm concerned the whole British race is practically finished. If it hadn't been for lend-lease. If we hadn't have kept your whole country afloat by giving you billions that you never even said "thank you" for, the whole phony outfit would be sunk right under the Atlantic years ago.
- J. Russell Finch: [as Hawthorne screeches to a stop] What are you stopping for?
- J. Algernon Hawthorne: Get out of this machine.
- J. Russell Finch: Get out? You can't...
- J. Algernon Hawthorne: It's my machine, I will do as I bloody well please. Out!
- J. Russell Finch: I'm awfully sorry. I've been very edgy today and if I said anything about England, I apologize.
- J. Algernon Hawthorne: Glad to hear you say so.
- Mrs. Marcus: Now for the last time. Are we calling Sylvester or not?
- J. Russell Finch: No! We are not! And I'll tell you why not. Because your son Sylvester is an irresponsible, unreliable, big loudmouth no good bum! Who if he isn't a crook? It's because he doesn't have the brains or ambition even to become a crook!
- J. Algernon Hawthorne: I say: *Good show*!
- Capt. T.G. Culpeper: [answering the phone] Hello, Ginger? What's the matter now?
- Ginger Culpeper: It's Billie Sue. Her new boyfriend, Oscar, was supposed to come down here from Pomona just to meet us. So now, she called him and told him we were goin' away.
- Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Well, what's the matter?
- Ginger Culpeper: You keep forgetting if a girl is six-feet-five inches tall, she's bound to have special problems. They had some argument and then, they started screaming at each other. And now, the whole engagement's off, and she says she's leaving.
- Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Leaving what? Leaving home? Let me talk to her. Get her to the phone.
- Ginger Culpeper: I'll try. Just a minute.
- Ginger Culpeper: [to Billie Sue] Talk to your father.
- Billie Sue Culpeper: I won't. I don't wanna talk to him ever!
- Ginger Culpeper: Don't be ridiculous. Whatever else he is, he is your father.
- Tower Controller at Rancho Conejo: In another couple of minutes, we'll have them in position, Colonel.
- Col. Wilberforce: In another couple of minutes, men, we'll have you in position.
- Tower Controller at Rancho Conejo: [sarcastically] You're doing a great job, Colonel.
- Col. Wilberforce: Thank you.
- Radio Tower Operator at Rancho Conejo: Why don't we just shoot them down and be through with it?
- Mrs. Marcus: [holding a planter containing several cactus] Well, where should I put this?
- J. Russell Finch: [scoffing] Oh, boy.
- Smiler Grogan: Look, there's this dough see. There's all this dough. Three hundred and fifty g's! Do you hear what I'm saying? Three hundred and fifty g's! In the park. Rosita. Rosita Beach State Park. Just south of Daygo in Santa Rosita. It's in this box, buried under this...
- Smiler Grogan: [continuing after coughing in his injured state] ... buried under this big W. You'll see it! You'll see it under this big W. You can't miss it! A big, big, W! And it's been there. And it's been laying there for fifteen years!
- Otto Meyer: [honking the car horn as he pulls into the Ray & Irwin Garage] Fellas. I'm glad you're here. Look, I need your help. Here's what happened. I had this blowout. I think there's a spare in the back. It may be a little flat. Take a look at it will you kid? Is there an airport anyplace around here? Look, if the spare is flat don't bother fixing it. Gimme a new tire, all right? You ain't got a new tire? Then you'll have to fix the spare. But don't look at me. Move it, will you kid? You, you could be gassing up while he's working. What is it a staring contest? Come on!
- Otto Meyer: [after clapping his hands over and over] Move! Move, will you kid? Come on!
- Lennie Pike: [Otto Meyer drives by] That's him! That's him! I tell you, when I catch you, I'll kill you! I tell you, I'll kill you, you dirty *robber*!
- J. Algernon Hawthorne: Someone you know?
- Sylvester Marcus: [speaking into the phone] Mama, who's with you? Where are you talking to me... Where are you?
- Mrs. Marcus: [speaking into the phone] I'm with this truck driver at Peterson's garage in a place called Plaster City. And will you just shut up a minute so I can tell you what happened!
- Sylvester Marcus: [speaking into the phone] Now listen, Mommy, you listen to me close. You stay right there, because I'm coming, Mom. I'm coming to get you right now, Mom.
- Mrs. Marcus: [speaking into the phone] Will you *shut up and listen*?
- Sylvester Marcus: [speaking into the phone] Mama, it's all right. Everything's gonna be all right, Mama. Your baby's coming to get ya. You just sit there. Sit there, relax, take it easy.
- Mrs. Marcus: [speaking into the phone] Sylvester...
- Sylvester Marcus: [speaking into the phone] I'm coming to get you, Mom!
- Mrs. Marcus: [speaking into the phone] ... shut up and let me talk...
- Sylvester Marcus: [speaking into the phone interrupting his mother] Everything is gonna be all right!
- [Sylvester hangs up]
- Lennie Pike: [to Mrs. Marcus] Well?
- Mrs. Marcus: So he's coming here. And I'm not to worry about a thing, because "everything is going to be all right!"
- Mrs. Marcus: [to Emmeline] Exactly like your father: a big, stupid, muscle-headed moron!
- Lennie Pike: *Everybody* has to pay taxes!- Even businessmen, that rob and steal and cheat from people everyday, even *they* have to pay *taxes*!
- J. Russell Finch: [pulling a blue bicycle from the mess of furniture that fell out of Pike's van] Here, take this and go hire us the best car you can find.
- Lennie Pike: But... this is a little girl's bike. This is for a little girl. Oh listen, I got to get this stuff back in so I can lock up the van.
- J. Russell Finch: We'll put everything away. Will you get going please, will you hurry?
- Lennie Pike: Oh okay... I gotta admit. I feel kinda silly. You know what I mean?
- [Lennie nonetheless pedals away on the bicycle]
- Lennie Pike: [furiously] So! So someone will "stumble over the little girl's bicycle in the dark", huh? Well when I'm finished with *you*, they'll be stumbling over *you* in the *dark*!
- Benjy Benjamin: Wall?
- Ding Bell: No.
- Benjy Benjamin: Walnut tree?
- Ding Bell: No, no.
- Benjy Benjamin: Walnuts?
- Ding Bell: No.
- Benjy Benjamin: In bags?
- Ding Bell: *No*!
- Third Cab Driver: They're up to something funny, you hear what I'm telling you? Now, did you see the blonde I brought? All covered with paint and her dressed ripped. Now what was that all about?
- Second Cab Driver: Yeah. And what about the picks and shovels?
- Col. Wilberforce: [completely tangled up in the radio's microphone cord] What the *hell* is with this wire?
- Sylvester Marcus: [Benji and Dingy run by] Who are they?
- Mrs. Marcus: I don't know.
- Sylvester Marcus: From this morning?
- Mrs. Marcus: Yes.
- Sylvester Marcus: [Captain Culpeper goes by] Who is he?
- Mrs. Marcus: I don't know.
- Sylvester Marcus: [Otto Meyer runs by] Who is he?
- Mrs. Marcus: I don't know.
- Sylvester Marcus: Mama, how many people are mixed up in this thing?
- Sylvester Marcus: [as the two cab drivers run by] Who are they? Cabbies? Mama, this thing is like a convention.
- Ding Bell: Hey. It's that hokey dentist.
- Benjy Benjamin: Yeah.
- Ding Bell: Pass that cab.
- Second Cab Driver: What's the rush?
- Ding Bell: What do you mean rush?
- Benjy Benjamin: We ain't in any rush, we just wanna get there in a hurry.
- Police Radio Unit F-7: F7 to Central. The Crumps are locked in the hardware store basement. Should I let them out? Over.
- Capt. T.G. Culpeper: How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement? We've got to let them out!
- Police Sergeant: That ain't fair.
- Capt. T.G. Culpeper: It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
- Police Sergeant: They got themselves in there, they ought to be able to get themselves out. Uhh. After all, if you help them, you aren't being fair to the others.
- Capt. T.G. Culpeper: But the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're going to pick them up. So what difference does it make who gets there first?
- Police Sergeant: Ahhh. It's a race, ain't it? Why do you want to help that dentist for? Me, I've been pullin' all the while for that other guy Pike, with the furniture van. The rules ought to be the same for everybody, otherwise it just ain't fair.
- Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Ummm. Central to F7: No. We'll leave them where they are. See what happens. Watch all the exits, but render no assistance. Over.
- Capt. T.G. Culpeper: [to Police Sergeant] Are you happy?
- Third Cab Driver: Can't you see I'm talking on the phone? Huh? Give me two minutes! Now listen to me, Sir, I...
- [the cabbie looks back at Melville]
- Melville Crump: Will you take us to Santa Rosita State Park?
- Third Cab Driver: [about Melville being covered in yellow paint] What's the matter, what happened to you? What was ya, in some kind of initiation?
- Melville Crump: We had an accident. We fell into yellow, all right? Hurry up!
- J. Russell Finch: And I give you my word. My wife wanted to stop for you, I wanted to stop for you, he wanted to stop for you. But tell him, tell him how my mother in-law made us drive right by him...
- Lennie Pike: Listen, anything you got to say about your mother in-law, you don't have to explain to me. You know what I mean? Like if she were the star of a real crummy horror movie, I'd believe it.
- J. Russell Finch: Let's stop arguing please! The only reason were together is because they only had one car. So lets get there, even if we are last.
- J. Algernon Hawthorne: Whatever the outcome of the day I shall never forget that you hit me when I wasn't even looking!
- J. Russell Finch: [smiling] Yeah.
- Second Cab Driver: [about Culpeper as the two cabs are chasing him] He's heading for the border. Let's stop and call the police station.
- Mrs. Marcus: You shut up! We're gonna get that money. Keep driving!
- Second Cab Driver: That woman is something else.
- First Cab Driver: That'll be two ninety.
- Melville Crump: Okay, here's three dollars. Wait for us, okay?
- First Cab Driver: [sarcastically] Oh sure.
- Melville Crump: Wise guy.
- Ding Bell: Ah, this is hopeless. We're gonna get noplace if we're gonna continue listening to this old bag.
- Benjy Benjamin: What are you trying to do, lady? You trying to split us up so it becomes every man for himself?
- Ding Bell: ...And every woman for HIMself?
- Mrs. Marcus: One more funny remark from you, buster...
- Melville Crump: Look, why don't we just start digging for it?
- J. Russell Finch: Well suppose someone comes along? What do we tell them?
- Monica Crump: Well, we could tell them that we're here on an archeological expedition.
- Melville Crump: [annoyed] Aah!
- Sylvester Marcus: We don't tell them anything. We tell them to hit the road or we beat their brains in!
- [Pike and Sylvester are digging into a hole that suddenly becomes too close]
- Sylvester Marcus: Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's not enough room, Man, you're bugging me. You're bugging me.
- Lennie Pike: What are you talking about 'bugging'?
- Sylvester Marcus: Cut out, cut out.
- Lennie Pike: What's this 'cut out' talk?
- Sylvester Marcus: Out, baby. Out, baby. Out!
- Lennie Pike: Don't call me a baby!
- All: Would you just get out? Get on with it!
- J. Algernon Hawthorne: Jolly nasty accident there. Jolly lucky nobody was hurt.
- Mrs. Marcus: Where did you get that funny accent? Are you from Harvard or something?
- J. Algernon Hawthorne: Harvard? Rather not. I'm English.
- Mrs. Marcus: Sounds so foreign.
- J. Algernon Hawthorne: Really?
- Air Traffic Control Tower Staffer: If you can, give us your position. Who is flying the plane?
- Ding Bell: [Benji is at the controls] What do you mean "who's flying the plane"? Nobody's flying the plane!
- [Benji scowls at Ding]
- Man in Car in Desert: Trouble? Having any trouble?
- Mrs. Marcus: Yes, and we don't need any help from you!
- Man in Car in Desert: [after a brief pause] Well!
- Capt. T.G. Culpeper: [into a phone] Ginger, I want you to prepare yourself for a little shock. When I tell you what happened...
- Ginger Culpeper: [voice from the other end of the phone] So, tell me, tell me. I've got this biscuit dough...
- Capt. T.G. Culpeper: The Smiler Grogan case is solved!
- Ginger Culpeper: The *what*? Now, what the hell is the Smiler Grogan case?
- Capt. T.G. Culpeper: The tuna factory robbery! The case I've been talking about for the last fifteen years!
- Melville Crump: Filibuster. Filibuster. Ha. Now you can stick around and watch us take off.
- Ding Bell: Listen, Dentist: I *hate* dentists! And I hate *you* so much, that I'm not able to *tell* you how much I hate you, in front of your wife-!
- Benjy Benjamin: And visa versa.
- Melville Crump: [enraged] Why you... Come on over here!
- [Ding and Benji run]
- Melville Crump: *Come on* over *here*!
- Otto Meyer: Hey, wait a minute! I can't cross here. You said the main road. This is Niagara Falls. All right, look. You're a little boy. You wanna be a big boy? Which way to the main road?
- [Benjy is trying to fly an airplane]
- Benjy Benjamin: Dingy, don't let this worry you- *We're gonna get killed*!
- Hardware Store Clerk: I'm sorry, we're closed. It's twelve o'clock on Sunday.
- Melville Crump: It's twelve o'clock, they're closed. *Wait a minute*! All we want is a pick and a shovel.
- Hardware Store Clerk: Well, Mr. Dinckler is inside...
- Melville Crump: Dinckler. That's it, we'll get Dinckler, come on.
- Benjy Benjamin: [while Benji tries to fly the plane, Ding tries putting head phones on Benji's head] Hey, get outta here.
- Ding Bell: Put them on.
- Benjy Benjamin: I don't wanna.
- Ding Bell: Benji, I tell you, he said the man who's flying should be talking on this thing.
- Benjy Benjamin: What, am I supposed to everything? You want me to fly the airplane, you want me to work the radio, what are you gonna... What are you, the hostess?
- Police Sergeant: He just sits in there, rigid-like.
- Gertie: If he catches you at that keyhole, *you'll* be rigid-like.