- Jeffrey Ross: It really is an honor for me, hosting a show in front of all of these extremely talented people... and the Hilton sisters. Isn't it ironic that two sluts would be named after a cheap hotel?
- Jeffrey Ross: What can you really say about Carson Daly that hasn't already been said about that retarded boy that won the lottery?
- Kiki, a stripper: He got his first Vietnamese basket job in that booth over there.
- Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs: Vietnamese basket job? What's that?
- [Kiki whispers to Sean]
- Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs: Oh, shit! That is some freaky shit. How much does one of those cost?
- Nelly: Carson's a clean slate with a blank head... but you know what? I think we all love him that way.
- [to Jennifer Love Hewitt]
- Sarah Silverman: People say that you're the next Audrey Hepburn. Does that scare you, knowing you're going to die of colon cancer?
- Sarah Silverman: A lot of famous duos are here tonight... Nicky and Paris Hilton, Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla, Britney Spears' tits. I think they're famous.
- 'Father' Adam Carolla: He's the same little kid I put up on my knee so many years ago.
- Carson Daly: Thanks, Padre.
- 'Father' Adam Carolla: That wasn't my knee.
- Carson Daly: Andy Dick over there. Andy, you are easily the ugliest woman I have ever seen. Nelly, you're the second ugliest woman I've ever seen.
- [to Jennifer Love Hewitt]
- Carson Daly: I will always, for the rest of my life, cherish the wonderful, wonderful moments that we had together... back when you were famous.
- Carson Daly: Britney and Fred, finally here together tonight... although I'm sure they'll claim this never happened either.
- Sarah Silverman: Jennifer is what we in the show business call a triple threat. Not only is she an actress, but she's also a dancer and terrible singer.