- When somebody follows you 20 blocks to the pharmacy, where they watch you buy toilet paper, you know your life has changed.
- It's impossible to satisfy everyone, and I suggest we all stop trying.
- [on her marriage to Brad Pitt, after two years] Everybody always asks if we're happy. Give me a break. We're married two years. In Hollywood years, that's forever.
- [on the constant rumors surrounding her split from Brad Pitt] There is always going to be the tough and the nasty. You just tune out to that.
- [on the irony of the title of her movie, The Break-Up (2006)] Well, you know. I figured just seize the moment.
- I always say, "Don't make plans, make options".
- If we can say, "I loved, and I received a lot of love," then great. That's enough.
- I've learned that you can get through things that hurt. Nothing will kill you. Nothing. People are unbelievable. we have such resilience.
- [on her divorce from Brad Pitt] A man divorcing would never be accused of choosing career over children. That really pissed me off. I've never in my life said I don't want to have children. I did and I do and I will! The women who inspire me are the ones who have careers and children; why would I want to limit myself? I've always wanted to have children, and I would never give up that experience for a career. I want to have it all.
- [on seeing pictures of Angelina Jolie and her ex-husband Brad Pitt together] I will not let myself down like that -- I also know what feels good and it doesn't feel good to harbor anger and resentment. We do have tools to work through stuff. Everybody does. (Good Morning America, 2005)
- The most unconditional love that you can encounter is with a dog. They're excited the minute you come home, and they show the same amount of excitement everyday. They're loyal and they're always, always faithful.
- I would say I couldn't be in a relationship without equality, generosity, integrity, spirit, kindness and humor. And awesomeness!
- [on turning age 45] I guess it is a milestone. I really try not to focus on it too much to be honest. Society focuses on it way more than we need to. I think it's always important to reflect anyway, no matter what age you're approaching or what milestone is on front of you. Reflection should be almost a daily thing if possible. Because I was never a 'where do you see yourself in five years' person, I had no idea. And I didn't have a checklist, which really creates a lot less stress in your life.
- [on the weirdest beauty regimen she had tried] I didn't go too crazy. You mean, did I ever put leeches on my face? The closest I'll go to is a derma-roller. Google it - it's great. It's like a little wheel that has little pins, like acupuncture needles in a way, and you roll it and it stimulates your collagen and allows for your products to seep into your skin.
- If you want to make me smile, show me puppy videos. Cute puppy videos!
- There are no regrets in life. Just lessons.
- [on Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's divorce] I'm just living my life.
- [on Office Space (1999)] It's a funny movie. Mike Judge is just so good. It's very interesting that it became such a cult hit. I have no idea what happened. But isn't it fantastic? You know what I really love? I love when people say, "I loved you in some movie that didn't really get any attention." Like Wanderlust (2012). That's become this underground thing. The studio kind of dumped it, so it didn't get a fair chance. Now when people see it they just seem to think it's the funniest thing they've ever seen. It's a very odd, silly movie.
- Right now, a few men in power are deciding what women can and can't do with their own bodies. Our current President has decided that racism is a non-issue. He has repeatedly and publicly ignored science... too many people have died.
- It's not funny to vote for Kanye. I don't know how else to say it. Please be responsible.
- I urge you to really consider who is going to be most affected by this election if we stay on the track we're on right now... your daughters, the LGBQT+ community, our Black brothers and sisters, the elderly with health conditions, and your future kids and grand kids (who will be tasked with saving a planet that our leadership refuses to believe is hurting). This whole thing isn't about one candidate or one single issue, it's about the future of this country and of the world. Vote for equal human rights, for love, and for decency.
- Really try to follow what it is that you want to do and what your heart is telling you to do.
- Once you figure out who you are and what you love about yourself, I think it all kind of falls into place.
- [on what new generations find offensive] Now it's a little tricky because you have to be very careful, which makes it really hard for comedians, because the beauty of comedy is that we make fun of ourselves, make fun of life. In the past you could joke about a bigot and have a laugh. That was hysterical. And it was about educating people on how ridiculous people were. And now we're not allowed to do that.
- [on the death of Matthew Perry]: Oh boy, this one has cut deep. Having to say goodbye to our Matty has been an insane wave of emotions that I've never experienced before. We all experience loss at some point in our lives. Loss of life or loss of love. Being able to really SIT in this grief allows you to feel the moments of joy and gratitude for having loved someone that deep. And we loved him deeply.
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