- Larry The Cable Guy: Out in San Fransisco, this is what they've got, a gay Mafia. If you're in a gay Mafia and get whacked, is that good or bad?
- [gay tone]
- Larry The Cable Guy: Say hello to my little friend!
- Larry The Cable Guy: I dated this retarded woman once but we broke up, we couldn't agree on anything. I'd say tomato, she'd say "bowling shoes!"
- Larry The Cable Guy: Did you know that when a baby poops its diaper, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled up newspaper?
- Larry The Cable Guy: A friend of mine went fishing and caught a rainbow trout, but he threw it back cuz he said he didn't want a gay fish.
- Larry The Cable Guy: [about Fruit of the Loom] What does fruit have to do with underwear? Except I guess when you pull your underwear down you go 'oh, I should've eaten more fruit.'
- Larry The Cable Guy: My mom went to that same doctor and got a butt lift. It's a little too lifted, I think, alright. Now every time she farts only dogs can hear it.
- Larry The Cable Guy: I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them.