Review of The Throne of Fire

Boy oh boy. When you see a film as laughable as this one, you know there must be a hell. Yes, we're back in dodgy Italian barbarian film territory, where well-oiled beefcakes duel with rubber swords against helmet-clad stuntmen who die without being touched. Obtrusive music lurks behind every corner, as our badly dubbed hero must rescue the princess from a fate worse than.. watching this movie again? He must follow the ancient prophesy of marrying her and sitting on the legendary Throne Of Fire before the day is out, otherwise.. THE WORLD IS DOOMED!! DOOMED, I tell ya!! Unfortunately, he proves to be rather inept at his job.. getting captured no less than three times and wasting the spell his dad gives him that makes his body invisible and invulnerable to everything (except fire, conveniently). Some 'hero'. The princess, on the other hand is far more impressive.. she can butt-kick for fun and finishes the film without a scratch on her, despite the fact she is only dressed in a bra and loincloth 95% of the picture. Meanwhile, an eclipse that looks suspiciously like a raisin held up against a light bulb tells our protagonist he is nearly out of time, so he must hurry.. it won't be easy, with all those boom mikes to dodge. Can he make it? Who cares, quite frankly. I'm more interested in the mindset of those who would waste their life watching this kind of nonsense in the first place. (Don't worry about me, I've already gone mad..) And if all that still hasn't put you off, get this.. Our muscular, tough-as-nails lead character's real, non-acting first name is.. PETER. I shall now close this review, because if you're anything like me, you'll spend the next 5 minutes in hysterics. In fact, I can feel them come on again.. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA etc. 2/10