The Pirates porno, the most expensive ever produced (at a whopping $150,000), is excruciating to watch if you're trying to look for a good plot, or entirely "good" acting ability. It's a showcase for the director, named simply Joone, to showcase a lot of well-lit XXX sex scenes and lots of ultra-corny CGI involving seascapes, caves, ships, and with the icing on the cake being skeleton pirates that have to duel with some bad-ass girls on an island. I can't really recommend it, in a big sense, as it has no real merit whatsoever as far as real creativity goes. But it is, however, of the highest order of sleaze entertainment, and it's a really, really funny movie all the same. It's not even really good dialog so much as good quotes, lines that you and your friends (or whomever you may or may not be watching the movie with) will be saying verbatim or close to it for days. Probably the best bet with the 'actors' though is long-time porno pro Evan Stone, who says his lines with the convincing silliness and strength of a Bruce Campbell (he's probably the only one who 'gets' how stupid this all is, and rolls with it). Other actresses with one-names like Teagan and Devon maybe aren't quite as adept at that sort of aspect of the performance. You'll get the idea about five minutes into the film, if not sooner.
Much of it is basically convoluted (yes, even more-so) knock-off material and characterization from the POTC movies, which is not all that bad a thing. A few times it looks as though the director actually understands that a movie like Pirates has to be something of a parody in order to keep the attention of its viewing public- past the obvious points, of which need not be mentioned here. Yet it's good that there's such a high-level of camp value with scenes that look improvised with the actors (there's one woman-on-woman scene where a bunch of guys stand around them saying "argh" the whole time and cheer on as if truly drunken), because if one were to grade this on a scale like the folks at Hustler magazine or other magazines of the sort do, it wouldn't necessarily get a very high grade either, unless if based on subjective perceptions of the sizes of certain 'things' and how such scenes are sort of staged. Those too are quite cheesy, loaded at times with music that sounds like it might be good to hear while waiting on the end of a busy phone line. In fact, there might be a great deal of camp value that can be derived from these many, many scenes of gratuitous action (not that there hasn't been worse elsewhere, even as the actors try to go to desperate, raging lengths to get there).
Overall it wasn't a movie who's big budget wasn't a total waste, all things considered. The R-rated version might even someday find its way onto a Saturday night sci-fi movie channel of the week, and definitely as one of the better ones in recent memory. I'd almost go as far as to say I liked it, but in the sense that I like a good piece of cotton candy: it goes down in an abhorrently artificial way, and it's gone pretty quickly, and then you don't feel like having any more for a while.
Much of it is basically convoluted (yes, even more-so) knock-off material and characterization from the POTC movies, which is not all that bad a thing. A few times it looks as though the director actually understands that a movie like Pirates has to be something of a parody in order to keep the attention of its viewing public- past the obvious points, of which need not be mentioned here. Yet it's good that there's such a high-level of camp value with scenes that look improvised with the actors (there's one woman-on-woman scene where a bunch of guys stand around them saying "argh" the whole time and cheer on as if truly drunken), because if one were to grade this on a scale like the folks at Hustler magazine or other magazines of the sort do, it wouldn't necessarily get a very high grade either, unless if based on subjective perceptions of the sizes of certain 'things' and how such scenes are sort of staged. Those too are quite cheesy, loaded at times with music that sounds like it might be good to hear while waiting on the end of a busy phone line. In fact, there might be a great deal of camp value that can be derived from these many, many scenes of gratuitous action (not that there hasn't been worse elsewhere, even as the actors try to go to desperate, raging lengths to get there).
Overall it wasn't a movie who's big budget wasn't a total waste, all things considered. The R-rated version might even someday find its way onto a Saturday night sci-fi movie channel of the week, and definitely as one of the better ones in recent memory. I'd almost go as far as to say I liked it, but in the sense that I like a good piece of cotton candy: it goes down in an abhorrently artificial way, and it's gone pretty quickly, and then you don't feel like having any more for a while.