Review of Yellowbeard

Yellowbeard (1983)
It coulda had class. It coulda been a contender. It coulda been something...
22 May 2009
I just watched this again, 20+ years after seeing it on cable. I had the vaguest recollections of the movie, came here to see the cast, and thought it would be fun to watch.

It isn't.

The list of talent in this movie is amazing - but the results are boring. There was enough talent here to make this into Blazing Saddles of the Sea with the right script. But the script wasn't right. Sure, it has a plot. But just about everything in it is lackluster. There's so much talent wasted on lame jokes and premises that fizzle that it becomes sad to watch it all slip away.

Most of the jokes are obvious, and the rest are either pointless or so base as to be insulting to the people they have performing them.

As an example, there's a scene early in the film where Eric Idle heads to Lord Lambourn's estate. As he gets out of his carriage, the camera cuts to a pile of horse manure. Then we cut to him stepping in the horse manure the last shot showed us. Then he stands there and waits for his assistant to clean his shoes while he's still standing in the manure. That's it. End Joke.

Just seconds later, after he meets lord and lady lambourn, the camera cuts to a man about 15 feet away peeing on a hedge. Lady lambourn tells him to stop it. He runs away. She chases him. That's it. End Joke.

If either of those sound lame when they're written out, they're just as bad when you're watching them. The movie is filled with bits that could have been in any movie about any subject, but they just happened to be in this movie because someone thought they'd get a laugh. They do nothing to advance plot, characters, or even the next 5 seconds of screen time.

And if you're thinking of watching for the performances--they don't really manage to salvage anything. It feels like after a certain point everyone started going through the motions just to get the film in the can.
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