Robert Downey Jr. just saved my life. No, he didn't find me lying unconscious on the street and give me CPR. No, he didn't inspire me to get off drugs. And he didn't swoop down in a suit of high tech armor and rescue me from The Unicorn. I did just watch Two Girls and a Guy and his performance is the only thing that kept this movie from being slit-my-wrists unwatchable. This is the sort of film that makes otherwise normal people hate independent cinema. It is dull and pretentious and phony and is the sort of New York City storytelling that even Woody Allen finds a little too self involved. Imagine Kevin Smith without a sense of humor, Quentin Tarantino without a sense of irony and Michael Bay without a drop of adrenaline. That's writer/director James Toback in all his ignominy here.
Here's the whole deal. Carla (Heather Graham) and Lou (Natasha Gregson Wagner) find out they've been dating the same guy for the last 10 months. When Blake (Robert Downey Jr.) returns to his insanely huge loft, they confront him and blather commences. They talk about hurt feelings. They talk about relationships. They talk about acting. They talk about Blake's mom. Carla and Lou talk. Carla and Blake talk. Carla, Blake and Lou talk. Blake and Carla have sex. Then they talk and talk and talk some more. But for all that chatter, the best scenes in the whole production are when Blake is talking on the phone to someone the audience can't hear. That's because only the awesome power of RDJ's talent is able to take this fake, unrealistic dialog and make it sound like something a human being would say.
It's not that Heather Graham and Natasha Gregson Wagner are without talent. It's just that you don't need talent for this material. You need (trumpets blare) TALENT!!!!!! Whenever Graham and Wagner open their mouths, they can't do anything but recite this crap. It doesn't sound like anything people would say. It's not structured like anything people would say. The motivations and behavior assigned to Carla and Lou by this script are as realistic and believable as the special effects in Plan 9 From Outer Space.
Let me give you one example of what I mean and I'll only give you one for fear that remembering more of Two Girls and a Guy would send me into a self-induced coma of disgust and ennui. When Blake returns home, Lou and Carla initially hide. Then Carla emerges and slowly works up to an argument with Blake where she gets him to profess his unshakable fidelity to her. That's when Lou emerges from the closet to expose his romantic perfidy. But what woman is going to sit in the closet for the better part of 10 minutes while her boyfriend's other girlfriend talks to him? It's not Carla and Lou planned to trap Blake somehow. Lou just sat in the darkness for no reason until the Almighty Plot Hammer knocked her into the light. What kind of person could both control her own emotions and trust a near total stranger enough to let the situation unfold like that? And that scene is not the most contrived one in the script.
Somehow, RDJ is able to take this dialog that even George Lucas would choke on and make it not only fun to listen to but sound like something which could come out of the mouth of a living homo sapien. How does he do it? I don't know. That's what makes him so great and should make all of us so thankful he didn't wind up dead in some alley from a drug overdose. But even RDJ can't salvage things when he has to interact with his less gifted castmates and their vain attempts to do something with this garbage writing.
Do you want to know how bad Two Girls and a Guy really is? If, at some point in this movie, Graham and Wagner had gotten buck naked and engaged in a 5 minute long lesbian sex scene, I still wouldn't recommend watching it. Not even to fast forward to that scene. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
Here's the whole deal. Carla (Heather Graham) and Lou (Natasha Gregson Wagner) find out they've been dating the same guy for the last 10 months. When Blake (Robert Downey Jr.) returns to his insanely huge loft, they confront him and blather commences. They talk about hurt feelings. They talk about relationships. They talk about acting. They talk about Blake's mom. Carla and Lou talk. Carla and Blake talk. Carla, Blake and Lou talk. Blake and Carla have sex. Then they talk and talk and talk some more. But for all that chatter, the best scenes in the whole production are when Blake is talking on the phone to someone the audience can't hear. That's because only the awesome power of RDJ's talent is able to take this fake, unrealistic dialog and make it sound like something a human being would say.
It's not that Heather Graham and Natasha Gregson Wagner are without talent. It's just that you don't need talent for this material. You need (trumpets blare) TALENT!!!!!! Whenever Graham and Wagner open their mouths, they can't do anything but recite this crap. It doesn't sound like anything people would say. It's not structured like anything people would say. The motivations and behavior assigned to Carla and Lou by this script are as realistic and believable as the special effects in Plan 9 From Outer Space.
Let me give you one example of what I mean and I'll only give you one for fear that remembering more of Two Girls and a Guy would send me into a self-induced coma of disgust and ennui. When Blake returns home, Lou and Carla initially hide. Then Carla emerges and slowly works up to an argument with Blake where she gets him to profess his unshakable fidelity to her. That's when Lou emerges from the closet to expose his romantic perfidy. But what woman is going to sit in the closet for the better part of 10 minutes while her boyfriend's other girlfriend talks to him? It's not Carla and Lou planned to trap Blake somehow. Lou just sat in the darkness for no reason until the Almighty Plot Hammer knocked her into the light. What kind of person could both control her own emotions and trust a near total stranger enough to let the situation unfold like that? And that scene is not the most contrived one in the script.
Somehow, RDJ is able to take this dialog that even George Lucas would choke on and make it not only fun to listen to but sound like something which could come out of the mouth of a living homo sapien. How does he do it? I don't know. That's what makes him so great and should make all of us so thankful he didn't wind up dead in some alley from a drug overdose. But even RDJ can't salvage things when he has to interact with his less gifted castmates and their vain attempts to do something with this garbage writing.
Do you want to know how bad Two Girls and a Guy really is? If, at some point in this movie, Graham and Wagner had gotten buck naked and engaged in a 5 minute long lesbian sex scene, I still wouldn't recommend watching it. Not even to fast forward to that scene. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.