Review of Santa's Slay

This movie is just awful like black coal in a Christmas stocking. I guess, if you don't take it serious, it's a bit watchable, but I just can't hide from the truth that this movie has a really dumb low brow comedy. Directed by David Steiman, Santa's Slay has a killer Santa Claus played by former professional wrestler, Bill Goldberg who every Christmas come down from hell to kill the wicked. It's like the movie took its plot from the TV Animation Show Futurama's 1999 season, episode 4 'XMAS Story' or seem a rip-off 1984's Silent Night, Deadly Night. It's interesting that Bill Goldberg was pick to be the evil Santa Claus in a way, because Goldberg came from Jewish heritage. So, it was no surprise that some Jewish people find the movie offensive, due to the film portraying one of them as a Christmas hating Satanist. I think the majority of Jewish people that work on the film see it as a light-weight dark comedy that both mocks Christmas, and the negative stereotype of the Jewish people. Not only does Santa Claus kill a Christian pastor Timmons played by Dave Thomas, but a lot number of Jewish character actors such as Saul Rubinek, Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan, and Rebecca Gayheart. Honestly, I don't know why the talented James Caan is in this movie! He could had done better. I don't know what the movie is trying to say with the over the top origins of Santa Claus here. In the movie, apparently, Santa is the Anti-Christ, produce by the result of a virgin birth by Satan. Just like Jesus on Christmas, Santa acts as his enemy. Somewhere around 1005 A.D, Jesus & God defeat Santa in a bet during a curling match that sentenced Santa to deliver presents on Christmas for 1000 years. First off, curling match? The sport wasn't even invention yet, and from all the weird sports you can pick from, you pick the most boring sport in the world for your movie. Does anybody find curling funny? Anyways, after 1000 years, Santa is free to kill again in 2005 of the time this movie came out. The movie does awkwardly use a lot of Christmas, and Satanist puns to give up the point that the settling for this film is in a town call Hell Township. Lot of Christmas references in this film. The jokes are so juvenile, that even a 5 year old can get it. There isn't really much to guess, as they put it out there for everybody to laugh at. They even had a scene where a grandma get ran over a hell-deer AKA reindeer to hint that they were making fun of that Christmas song. The movie does use a lot of stupid toilet humor and dick jokes. The tongue in cheek humor in this movie is really dry. Lot of out of the blue, cursing doesn't make any of these jokes in the movie, any funnier. Honestly, even if my eggnog was spiked, I really doubt I would find this movie as funny. It's hard to find this movie as scary. Bill Goldberg wasn't one bit scary nor funny. Bill Goldberg was never a good actor nor a good wrestler as well. His limited talent really shows in the film. He can barely move due to his large mass, and he's doesn't speak much, besides one liners. The movie even hints the wrestler persona of Bill Goldberg, by showing him do the Jackhammer on somebody and quoting 'Who's next?'. As a wrestling fan, it's kinda cool to see that, but also takes away from the real story. It's really hard to cheer for anybody besides the killer Claus, because the main character Nicolas (Douglas Smith) is somewhat selfish and immature. His acting is so wooded that it burns to listen to him speak. It like watching a log cracking in a fireplace while your nuts is roasting on the open flame. Talking about nuts, the movie has a guy taze there. The kills are so over the top cheesy that it borderlines cartoony. The special effects are just awful. It's so fake looking, that even pro-wrestlers are like pointing it out. There is some female characters in the film, but they serve nothing to the plot beside being a love-interest to the annoying male character, and for others, background nudity. I'm not Santa, but they can sit on my lap, anyday. In my opinion, there was some optimism that a good Christmas horror movie would come and sadly this was not that film. There was much to work with the material, like how Santa is spelled with the same letters as Satan, but the movie barely use anything. The movie could had, gone into his mind, and explain why he is evil. The years of being in the North Pole running a sweat shop elf based enterprise could be interesting. Only if the movie was a bit longer. 78 minutes is kinda short. For a B-List movie, it isn't that bad, but pretty dumb. Anyways, the movie leaves open to a sequel if they really wanted to. Unlike a Christmas list, I wouldn't be checking this twice.