Warning: Contains spoilers
I thought "Speed 2" was the lowest abyss to which filmmaking (used in the most liberal sense of the word) could descend.
I was wrong.
Wasting too many minutes writing this review, after having been robbed of an hour and a half of my life to endure this ordeal - which was nothing but extended torture in spite of the option to fast-forward past some of the abundant dull moments - serves only the one purpose of warning everybody else to steer clear from this meltdown as you would avoid the plague. If it comes anywhere near you, run for your life.
Writing "Warning: Contains spoilers" at the top of this review was a no-brainer. There is simply nothing to spoil. No plot, no jokes, no acting, no character development, no twists, nothing. I mean, literally nothing.
It starts at cringingly awful and goes downhill from there.
(Oh by the way, did I write something about "no brain"? Now there's a Freudian slip.)
Calling it amateurish is an insult to amateurs worldwide. Words simply are not sufficient to describe the full horror of this disaster. It's when you're subject to films like this you realise how poor our language is, how devoid of suitable invectives, to describe it.
You stop cringing at the attempted jokes about a few seconds in, and instead feel absolutely embarrassed, not by the behaviour of the characters, but for the sake of the people involved in cooking up this mess.
And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, the film moves into an eye-rollingly abhorrent attempt of spoofing a music video, only to be followed by yet more nothing. And then all of a sudden the end credits roll, leaving you thinking that perhaps this was not meant as a serious movie attempt after all, but simply a showcase for Steadicam, the use of which is employed ad nauseam and well beyond to the point that we all want to throw up from seasickness, providing we haven't emptied our intestines in such manner already.
In preschool, we thought that dressing up in silly costumes (involving pink wigs) and adding stupid accents was hysterical. Seeing a movie actually trying to produce comedy for adults in that very way makes you seriously want to use some of the metal boys' chains and shackle those responsible for this epic failure to any point that can be calculated to be as far from any movie-making equipment as humanely possible. The planet Uranus, for instance.
Subjecting the general public to such films should be classed as acts of crimes against humanity under the Geneva convention.
I thought "Speed 2" was the lowest abyss to which filmmaking (used in the most liberal sense of the word) could descend.
I was wrong.
Wasting too many minutes writing this review, after having been robbed of an hour and a half of my life to endure this ordeal - which was nothing but extended torture in spite of the option to fast-forward past some of the abundant dull moments - serves only the one purpose of warning everybody else to steer clear from this meltdown as you would avoid the plague. If it comes anywhere near you, run for your life.
Writing "Warning: Contains spoilers" at the top of this review was a no-brainer. There is simply nothing to spoil. No plot, no jokes, no acting, no character development, no twists, nothing. I mean, literally nothing.
It starts at cringingly awful and goes downhill from there.
(Oh by the way, did I write something about "no brain"? Now there's a Freudian slip.)
Calling it amateurish is an insult to amateurs worldwide. Words simply are not sufficient to describe the full horror of this disaster. It's when you're subject to films like this you realise how poor our language is, how devoid of suitable invectives, to describe it.
You stop cringing at the attempted jokes about a few seconds in, and instead feel absolutely embarrassed, not by the behaviour of the characters, but for the sake of the people involved in cooking up this mess.
And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, the film moves into an eye-rollingly abhorrent attempt of spoofing a music video, only to be followed by yet more nothing. And then all of a sudden the end credits roll, leaving you thinking that perhaps this was not meant as a serious movie attempt after all, but simply a showcase for Steadicam, the use of which is employed ad nauseam and well beyond to the point that we all want to throw up from seasickness, providing we haven't emptied our intestines in such manner already.
In preschool, we thought that dressing up in silly costumes (involving pink wigs) and adding stupid accents was hysterical. Seeing a movie actually trying to produce comedy for adults in that very way makes you seriously want to use some of the metal boys' chains and shackle those responsible for this epic failure to any point that can be calculated to be as far from any movie-making equipment as humanely possible. The planet Uranus, for instance.
Subjecting the general public to such films should be classed as acts of crimes against humanity under the Geneva convention.