Review of The Pirate of the Black Hawk

. . . pasta pirate flicks are ten times worse. Non-fluent foreigners are still dubbing in the English with clueless inflections, but there are no gun duels to break up all of the unintended humor of butchered language. THE PIRATE OF THE BLACK HAWK is at sea for 28 seconds of his namesake film. Where I come from, teachers customarily address first-graders as "Master Green" and "Master Brown," and the "sword fights" of BLACK HAWK place its uncredited sword-master on an equal footing with these Six-Year-Olds. Since there are dozens of murky, contradictory, counter-intuitive, and\or just plain nutty plot points here with which one could quibble, suffice it to say that even though most of the story "twists" and "turns" make no sense, after ten minutes or so you can see them all coming from a mile away. As a punishment device at a Super Max Prison, Guantanamo Bay, Purgatory, or Hell, BLACK HAWK may serve some useful purpose. Otherwise, avoid it like the Plague, especially if it stars one of your ancestors (why be forced to second-guess your gene pool?)>