So. A group of (rolls dice)....paranormal tv show crew people, go to investigate (rolls dice)....a haunted summer camp. In doing so they discover that the stories are true and it really is haunted. It's a set-up we've seem a trillion times, and beyond the "Ours takes place in a summer camp" angle, this one brings nothing new to the mix.
Did CMM fire his agent or something? This seems to be a whole new low for him. I've seen him in some D-list stuff before, but this is just sad.
So, tv crew is off to Camp Crystal....er...I mean Camp Cold Brook. We are told that some time ago, a lady poisoned and drowned the kids (and councilors presumably). And by poisoning and drowning....we totally mean she used witchcraft. So poisoning and drowning translates into "Making them go crazy and carrying rocks into the water". Just a quick little retcon for you there. We are told however that two of the kids were never found. The lady did this....because her daughter died? It's rather unclear.
But, have no fear! Paranormal team is here! They start off by bribing the sheriff into granting them access, which apparently means taking golf-carts to the camp. Soooo...golf carts can make it there, but cars can't? We're given the cliche exposition that cell-phones don't work here, and the radio doesn't have the range to reach the town. But who cares? Lets get introduced to our cameras. These are special 3-axis gimble cameras "So there's none of that shaky-cam crap!" Well that sounds nice, that would be a good change of pac....you're never going to use them are you?!
Despite the fact that these cameras are all super technological, you're still required to hold them in your hand like a scepter. Ever heard of a go-pro?! But yes, these cameras are used sparingly...as in like twice. Were they rented or something? Why bother introducing this concept if you're not going to use it?! They explain that these cameras have a "selfie-mode"...which again, gets used like one time. This one-time usage is understandable, as it does CMM no favors. Dude...you're a good looking guy, but nobody looks good that close-up! I can see the blood vessels in your eyelids for God's sake!
As you can imagine, strange and "scary" things start happening. A guy falls in the water We find that there are spiders in the camp...that's been abandoned for 30 years. Yep, sounds like the work of a paranormal entity to me! Is it 30 years, or 20? They seem confused on that. I think perhaps they realized that by saying 30 years, it would put CMM's character in his 40's. Did I also mention how those spiders managed to put cobwebs up through the hallways, and over the camera that was placed there? Yes, you can say the witch did it...but its just a silly oversight.
So, we've got Danielle Harris freaking out about seeing things on the cameras. Wasn't that rather the point dear? We've got the other lady with the spiders. We've got CMM...wandering around. And we've got a guy who seems to be experiencing narcolepsy at the hands of the witch. Or maybe he just got an advanced copy of the movie?
CMM decides to take Danielle back to civilization through the wilderness. The wilderness that was so rugged that it was inaccessible to cars. They have the requisite Blair Witch "It's not the same log Mike!" moment and return to camp.
Things take and odd turn back in the normal world. CMM's wife calls up some lady and tells her that CMM might come for a visit. She freaks out when she learns that he's gone to Camp Boring, and runs off to save him. This scene probably would have been more dramatic if we knew who this lady was. We find that it is CMM's mother, but I must have missed the part where they told us that.
So anyway CMM Mom is in town now and is searching for the sheriff. He finds her in her car and the two have a very odd conversation. Apparently CMM is one of the two children that was "NEVER FOUND" and he just has some very selective amnesia. CMM's mom is worried about what the witch is going to do to him. The Sheriff shrugs it off as crazy talk and CMM Mom says "You know what we did!". No, we really don't. The two of you might, but the audience hasn't been given this information as such. What the heck are you talking about? Don't worry....it's never explained.
Narcolepsy decides he can't stand this movie anymore and goes to drown himself. Hey, I'm right there with ya buddy! CMM tries to save him, but to no avail. Man, this lake hardly seems big enough to drown two people, let alone 28! So, its finally revealed that the (location scout? What was her job again?) was the other "NEVER FOUND" child. Only she remembers what happened, and the ghost/witch has been haunting her ever since. Having decided that being haunted your whole life is a bad thing, she decides to help ghost/witch out by being her minion. I know I always help my lifelong ghost-stalkers out!
I'm a bit confused at this point in the movie. How come she can remember what happened but CMM can't? How come the witch haunted her, but not CMM? How come the witch spared her in the first place? Was she hiding like CMM did? Does CMM not care that he can't remember a significant portion of time at a fairly developed age?
So the witch snaps Danielle's neck, and CMM tries to save her. Um buddy, that's great and all....but she broke her freaking neck! CMM gets clubbed on the head with a rock...and nothing of value was lost!
Then....What? What the heck just happened? Seriously! We're treated to some fast-forward footage (possibly still-shots) of mom and sheriff showing up....and nothing! CMM wakes up in the hospital. Boy his wife is just grinning from ear to ear at the idea of her husband's head trauma isn't she? She tells of how CMM was saved, and his injury was (reportedly) caused by trying to save Narcolepsy from drowning. Uh-huh. And what about Danielle? How did they explain that one sweetie? By the way...where's mom? Where's the sheriff? If they showed up and presumably saw what was happening...why is evil girl still wandering about freely? Shouldn't mom be here to provide me with some backstory? Don't talk crazy audience! You'll be getting no explanation from us!
So evil girl comes in and tries to make nice, and CMM's wife FaceTimes their kids...and....DUN DUN DUN...their new babysitter is the witch! She's come to take the two children as the final two sacrifices she needed. Say what? Then why didn't she just do that to begin with?! Why go through all the riggermarole of any of this? Why not just sneak in, in the dead of night and whisk them away without anyone being the wiser?!
You know one of the key elements of a movie? Having a freaking ending! This is right up there with Skyline where they just cut to comic book panels to finish the movie. Did you run out of budget? This is why you always save budget for the beginning and the endings!
All in all, this movie doesn't even rise to the level of shlock. Not even cheesy good. Yet another clone in the army of "Paranormal people find the paranormal" type movies. Low budget, wooden acting, and not scary in the least. And the lack of any real ending puts the final nail in its coffin.
Review of Camp Cold Brook
