Have you ever tried to swallow a spoonful of ash? Have you had to listen to Britney Spears screeching "Hit Me Baby One More Time" on a continuous 24 hour loop while tied to a chair? Well if you did none of those things imagine how awful it would be! That is what trying to get through watching "The Batman" felt like. An eternity.
A movie that tries soo hard to be edgy and emo...it drips and then drowns in its own pretentious arrogance. It pretends to be a detective story, dangerously close to plagiarizing David Fincher's masterful masterpiece "Seven". But it never amounts to a fraction of that much, much better movie.
"The Batman" is a bloviated and overly stretched cinematic canvas, crumbling under it's own mediocrity. At the hands of Bad Reboot alumni Matt Reeves, it is imbibed with the same creative dead zone which underscores any and all projects with that imprint, or works of people who have been associated in anyway with it.
Michael Giacchino's score, one of the few highlights, is completely wasted here on an inferior product. So is the unrecognizable Collin Ferrell and his performance as the Penguin and Andy Serkis as Alfred. Zoë Kravitz barely registers as Catwoman. Jeffrey Wright as race-swapped commissioner Gordon is alright at most. Incel-inspired (wrongly so) Riddler (Paul Dano) is over the top angsty and pathetic and that is not a compliment.
Of course then there's the piece de resistance, Robert Pattinson. All you have to do is say his name to conjure just how bad, bored and disengaged he comes across throughout this interminable movie. He has two looks: passing a kidney stone or constipated. This is the first constipated version of Batman I've seen and I've seen them all.
This being a "post-modern" piece of entertainment, it has to have some smattering of intersectionality, empty virtue signalling, fake activism and other such meaningless and insincere messaging.
Wasted time. Wasted brain cells. Somewhere under this whole mountain of cinematic contrivance there might have been an interesting and even good movie. But it got lost along the long, long way.
A movie that tries soo hard to be edgy and emo...it drips and then drowns in its own pretentious arrogance. It pretends to be a detective story, dangerously close to plagiarizing David Fincher's masterful masterpiece "Seven". But it never amounts to a fraction of that much, much better movie.
"The Batman" is a bloviated and overly stretched cinematic canvas, crumbling under it's own mediocrity. At the hands of Bad Reboot alumni Matt Reeves, it is imbibed with the same creative dead zone which underscores any and all projects with that imprint, or works of people who have been associated in anyway with it.
Michael Giacchino's score, one of the few highlights, is completely wasted here on an inferior product. So is the unrecognizable Collin Ferrell and his performance as the Penguin and Andy Serkis as Alfred. Zoë Kravitz barely registers as Catwoman. Jeffrey Wright as race-swapped commissioner Gordon is alright at most. Incel-inspired (wrongly so) Riddler (Paul Dano) is over the top angsty and pathetic and that is not a compliment.
Of course then there's the piece de resistance, Robert Pattinson. All you have to do is say his name to conjure just how bad, bored and disengaged he comes across throughout this interminable movie. He has two looks: passing a kidney stone or constipated. This is the first constipated version of Batman I've seen and I've seen them all.
This being a "post-modern" piece of entertainment, it has to have some smattering of intersectionality, empty virtue signalling, fake activism and other such meaningless and insincere messaging.
Wasted time. Wasted brain cells. Somewhere under this whole mountain of cinematic contrivance there might have been an interesting and even good movie. But it got lost along the long, long way.