The Simpsons (TV Series)

Burns' Heir (1994)

Pamela Hayden: Milhouse Van Houten, Actress

Quotes 

• Milhouse : [auditioning to become Burns's heir]  I have nothing to offer you but my love.

  Mr. Burns : I specifically said, no geeks!

  Milhouse : But my mom says I'm cool!

  Nelson : Gimme your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!

  Mr. Burns : Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.

  Martin Prince : [singing]  Clang, clang, clang, went the trolley / Ring, ring, ring, went the bell / Zing, Zing, Zing, went my heartstrings...

  [Nelson cold-cocks him] 

  Mr. Burns : Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.

• [Mr. Burns shows Bart "CCTV" footage of the Simpsons to prove that they no longer love him] 

  Actor Homer : [stilted]  I do not miss Bart at all.

  Actress Marge : I am glad he's gone.

  Actor Lisa : As am I.

  Actor Homer : [drops sandwich]  B'oh!

  Bart : It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right.

  Mr. Burns : Really? Excuse me for just a moment.

  [Mr. Burns walks from the control room out into a studio where cameras have been set up along with a fake living room of the Simpsons' place] 

  Mr. Burns : [clapping for attention]  People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say "B'oh", he says...

  [checks script] 

  Mr. Burns : "D'oh!"

  ["Marge" and "Homer" take off their rubber masks to reveal a cigarette-smoking actress and someone who looks suspiciously like Michael Caine] 

  Michael Caine : Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some sort of neurological impairment, like "Rain Man" or "Awakenings"? I mean, what the hell am I doin' here?

  Actress : And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of "Murphy Brown".

  ["Lisa" pulls off her mask to reveal a cigar-smoking, male Estonian Dwarf] 

  Estonian Dwarf : Hey, you know we're getting into golden time?

  Mr. Burns : Yes, well, do it right, or you'll all go back to doing "Come Blow Your Horn" at the Westport Dinner Theater.

  [the actors collectively groan as Mr. Burns returns to the control room] 

  Mr. Burns : [to Bart]  Alright, then. Let's see what the Simpson family is up to, now.

  [turns the monitor back on to show the "family"] 

  Actor Homer : [drops sandwich again]  Duh-oh!

  Bart : [sadly]  Hmm. That's them, alright.