Modern Family (TV Series)
Diamond in the Rough (2012)
Julie Bowen: Claire Dunphy
Photos
Quotes
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Cameron Tucker : What did we learn from "A League Of Their Own"?
Claire Dunphy : No crying in baseball.
Cameron Tucker : No, that Madonna's a lousy actress, and so are you.
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Claire Dunphy : [to Phil over the phone] You know what really kills me? Is you didn't believe in me, and you believe in everything!
Cameron Tucker : [to Mitchell over the phone] You know, I knew that sweater wasn't stolen. And here I picked blue yarn to match your eyes, but I should have picked black to match your heart. Although you look amazing in black. Damn you.
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Cameron Tucker : [surveying a lot for a baseball field] I see home plate up here. I see pitcher's mound in here, and I see little boys' dreams coming true everywhere.
Luke Dunphy : I found a dead snake!
Claire Dunphy : It's perfect.
Luke Dunphy : [running away] Not dead! Not dead!
Claire Dunphy : I'm gonna be mother of the year.
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Claire Dunphy : Haley, hurry up! You don't have much time, and I made chocolate chip pancakes.
Haley Dunphy : Mom, I'm not 12.
Phil Dunphy : Dibs on hers.
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Claire Dunphy : It's such a shame, because I know we would do a great job on that house.
Phil Dunphy : Totally.
Claire Dunphy : If Gil Thorpe can do it, I can do it, right?
Phil Dunphy : Please!
[cut to testimonial interviews]
Phil Dunphy : *Please*. Gil Thorpe has decades of experience and infallible instincts. As much as we'd all like to believe otherwise, I did not marry Gil Thorpe. Can you imagine that? God, we'd sell a lot of houses.
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Phil Dunphy : Yeah, I was pretty ticked off that Mitchell double-crossed my double-cross. And then he stopped taking my calls, and so I sent him the following carefully-worded text: "U suck."
Mitchell Pritchett : I could tell Phil felt pretty hurt and betrayed, so I responded. "How r u gonna cheerlead your way out this one, Buffy?"
Phil Dunphy : [texting back and forth] We both know this house thing is a disaster.
Mitchell Pritchett : Then say something, or I will. I don't care if you tell Cam...
Cameron Tucker : "I threw out that hideous sweater"? I spent months knitting that "hideous" sweater.
Claire Dunphy : Yeah.
Cameron Tucker : W... how are we seeing this?
Claire Dunphy : They're using the group text from yesterday. They have no idea these are even coming to me.
Cameron Tucker : Okay.
Claire Dunphy : [getting an alert] Oh. Here's another one. "We need to shut this house thing down without them knowing it's us"? Oh! Well...
[texting]
Claire Dunphy : "2 late."
Phil Dunphy : Uh-oh.
Mitchell Pritchett : Oh! No, that... that's bad.
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Cameron Tucker : Phil, you think it's a good idea, right?
Phil Dunphy : Totally.
Claire Dunphy : Yes. And you know we can handle it, right?
Phil Dunphy : I think you guys can handle anything.
Cameron Tucker : Aw.
Claire Dunphy : Yeah. And you go talk to him. You're a professional. He respects you.
Phil Dunphy : Okay. Give us some space. I'll go talk him into it.
Claire Dunphy : All right.
Phil Dunphy : All right?
Claire Dunphy , Cameron Tucker : Okay.
Phil Dunphy : [approaching Mitchell] Listen... there's no way we're letting them do this.
Mitchell Pritchett : I know, right?
Phil Dunphy : They are not equipped to take this on. We might as well flush our savings down my boring old toilet.
Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, you are really bitter about that.
Phil Dunphy : [gesturing to make it look like he's pleading] It's the one thing I asked for. Don't sit on your sunglasses.
[quietly to Cam and Claire]
Phil Dunphy : Sorry guys.
["dropping" his keys and getting on his knees]
Phil Dunphy : Whoops. Just to be clear, though. Under no circumstances are we letting them do this?
Mitchell Pritchett : I am totally with you.
Phil Dunphy : Okay, you stay here. I'll go break the bad news.
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Cameron Tucker : If the four of us go in on this together, we can minimize the risk.
Claire Dunphy : Mm-hmm.
Mitchell Pritchett : Or if none of us do it, we can eliminate the risk altogether, because none of you know anything about flipping houses.
Cameron Tucker : Okay, well, we already have it figured out. I'm gonna be the designer, because I know about colors and shapes.
Mitchell Pritchett : Yeah, so does Lily.
Claire Dunphy : I'm gonna be the contractor.
Mitchell Pritchett : And I'm gonna be the astronaut. Oh, this is fun. Phil, you go.
Claire Dunphy : Mitchell, I am serious. I have overseen lots of projects in our home. I oversaw the remodel of our bathroom. Under budget. Right, Phil?
Phil Dunphy : Yeah. I was a little disappointed we didn't go for the butt-washing toilet, but otherwise...
Claire Dunphy : You can wash your own butt for free.
Phil Dunphy : Well, that's not the same, is it?
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Cameron Tucker : So, how good's Luke's team, anyway?
Claire Dunphy : Well, you may have seen them on YouTube under "boy stuck in batting helmet" or "pitcher beans self."
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Claire Dunphy : Luke and Manny's team tied for the final spot in the playoffs, but since nobody was expecting it, all the fields were booked.
Luke Dunphy : The other team wanted to settle with a coin flip. We said "rock, paper, scissors." That's when talks broke down.
Claire Dunphy : So what do you do when you can't find a field? You build one.
Luke Dunphy : And we got the last laugh, 'cause guess what I found there? Rocks, paper, and scissors.
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Phil Dunphy : Honey, you excited about your first day?
Haley Dunphy : You know what? I really am. There's something about going to work that makes you feel you're... I don't know, worth something. No offense, mom.
Phil Dunphy : Listen, I wanna give you some advice.
Claire Dunphy : Do it fast. She's gonna be late.
Phil Dunphy : Work hard.
Haley Dunphy : Uh-huh.
Phil Dunphy : Keep your eye on the ball. Stay focused.
[picking up his phone as it chirps]
Phil Dunphy : Never... check it out! Cam in overalls!
Claire Dunphy : Ohh! Mitchell sent me the same text.
Phil Dunphy : Why "look what you've done"?
Claire Dunphy : Oh, because Cam is helping me out with that baseball field, and Mitchell hates it when he gets all farmed up. His turn-offs are farm, Fizbo, and worst of all, Farmbo.
Haley Dunphy : Well, I gotta go. Don't wanna be late for my first...
[checking her phone and running out]
Haley Dunphy : Oh, my god! Why didn't you guys tell me the time?
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Claire Dunphy : Is this your house?
Mrs. Brooks : I'm moving in with my son.
Claire Dunphy : Oh.
Mrs. Brooks : He's rich. Phone by the toilet rich.
Cameron Tucker : Oh.
Claire Dunphy : All right, so have you lived here a long time?
Mrs. Brooks : I moved here in '62 to be an actress. I had one line in a "Rockford Files": "He went out the back."
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Claire Dunphy : What do you think, Phil?
Phil Dunphy : Well, I have to admit, it's a steal.
Claire Dunphy : Yes! Yes! I told you! And you said Gil Thorpe makes a killing flipping houses.
Phil Dunphy : Yeah, he brags about it all the time. Every time he makes a sale, he calls himself "Flipper" and walks around making this dolphin sound. Like...
[trying to imitate a dolphin's call]
Phil Dunphy : How does he do it? I hate him so much.
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Cameron Tucker : Okay, I'll chalk the field with this bad boy.
Claire Dunphy : And while you're doing that, I will get the bases.
Cameron Tucker : We make such a good team.
Claire Dunphy : Why does your friend have a chalker?
Cameron Tucker : Oh, he used it to propose to a skywriter.
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Phil Dunphy : Sorry, guys. Not gonna happen.
Cameron Tucker : Yeah, well, maybe if...
Phil Dunphy : I would drop it. It is not worth the fight. Come on, Claire.
[ushering her into the car]
Phil Dunphy : The faster we leave, the less it's gonna hurt. Hop in. Yep.
Claire Dunphy : Why does it have to be like this?
Phil Dunphy : I don't know. He's your brother. Buckled up? Good.
Mitchell Pritchett : [chasing after them as they drive away] Oh, no, no, no! No, no, I see what you're doing! He doesn't want this, either!
Phil Dunphy : Little radio?
Claire Dunphy : Sure.
Mitchell Pritchett : Phil! Claire!
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Claire Dunphy : So, what do you think? Can we turn this into a baseball field?
Cameron Tucker : Oh, yeah. No problem. You know, back on the farm, I once turned an acre of corn into a snowflake-shaped maze. It'd still be there if our neighbor Billy Bob Sheinberg hadn't seen it from his cropduster and said it looked like a swastika.
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Claire Dunphy : You know, over the last couple of months, I've applied for, like, five different jobs.
Cameron Tucker : I didn't know that.
Claire Dunphy : No. I didn't tell anyone, because I didn't get them, Cam. I went to college, you know? And... I just wanna be able to contribute to my kids' education. And I wanna be able to buy my husband a present with my own money.
Cameron Tucker : Hey, you're preaching to the choir director. It's actually why I became a choir director.
Claire Dunphy : You became a part-time teacher in a public school for money?
Cameron Tucker : I make more than you do. I mean, before parking. But... look, I'm sorry Mitchell killed our house dream. You know, now especially that I know you wanted to use the money for such noble reasons.
Claire Dunphy : Yeah. And also... there was this pair of boots.
Cameron Tucker : There's always a pair of boots.
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Claire Dunphy : Wow. This... this is incredible. You literally saw a diamond in the rough.
Phil Dunphy : Yeah, but I take on a lot of projects no one else is willing to.
Phil Dunphy : I deserve that.
Claire Dunphy : Mm-hmm.
Phil Dunphy : I was an idiot for doubting you. Please, honey, forgive me.
Claire Dunphy : How could I not, when you give me this bouquet of crumpled flowers?
Phil Dunphy : Mitchell did that!
Claire Dunphy : Mitchell again?
Phil Dunphy : Ask Lily!
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Claire Dunphy : I want us to get that house. I do. But I don't want us to fight.
Cameron Tucker : We're not gonna fight.
Phil Dunphy : Of course not. Probably. I don't know. Will we?
Claire Dunphy : Maybe we just take a beat and think about t.
Mitchell Pritchett : Yeah. I-I guess that couldn't hurt.
Claire Dunphy , Cameron Tucker : Yeah.
Phil Dunphy : Yeah. You guys mean the world to us. I don't want to jeopardize that over a house.
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Phil Dunphy : I think we should go for it. I think we should go for the house.
Cameron Tucker : Really?
Claire Dunphy : Okay, but careful, honey. Don't say something if you don't mean it.
Phil Dunphy : No, I do mean it. I think you two will do a fantastic job.
Mitchell Pritchett : Yeah, I do, too. I'm on board.
Jay Pritchett : On board for what?
Cameron Tucker : Oh, well, the four of us, uh, might go in on a house. Claire and I fix it up and flip it.
Jay Pritchett : That's the worst idea I ever heard.
Cameron Tucker : Okay.
Jay Pritchett : You guys know nothing about construction. You'll make all sorts of mistakes, you'll turn on each other, you'll stop talking, and suddenly I'm doing two dinners a week instead of one because you can't be in the same room. Family and business doesn't mix. Ah, you're gonna do whatever you want. Why do I bother?
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Phil Dunphy : It's Mrs. Brooks, the lady with the house. Actually, it's good that you called. What?
Claire Dunphy : What happened?
Phil Dunphy : Gil Thorpe just made her an offer.
[cut to testimonial interviews]
Phil Dunphy : We did it!
Claire Dunphy : We bought a house.
Cameron Tucker : It's gonna be great!
Mitchell Pritchett : What could go wrong? Nothing.
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Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Manny, stand up straight!
Jay Pritchett : But bend your knees.
Claire Dunphy : Widen your stance!
Manny Delgado : Would you please let me just...
Phil Dunphy : [Manny is hit by the pitch] Ooh!
Umpire : Take your base!
Luke Dunphy : You did it!
Manny Delgado : I did it?
Luke Dunphy : Run, Manny!
Manny Delgado : [running towards third] Yeah!
Jay Pritchett : No, no, no, no! Not that way! Go this way! Oh, why do I bother? He's gonna do what he wants.