Modern Family (TV Series)

Diamond in the Rough (2012)

Ed O'Neill: Jay Pritchett

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jay Pritchett : [about Gloria's off-key rendition of "Mockingbird"]  Papa'd buy ten diamond rings to get that mockingbird to shut the hell up. But I wasn't going to tell Gloria she was a terrible singer. That's just taking a bath with a toaster. Still, the thought of that poor little thing stuck in there like a hostage, listening to that racket days on end... I just couldn't take it.

• [while Gloria is asleep, Jay speaks to the baby through the microphone] 

  Jay Pritchett : I hope to God you don't have your mother's singing voice. But, man, I hope you get her self-confidence.

  [Gloria snores loudly] 

  Jay Pritchett : Try to get some sleep. I'll talk to you in the morning.

• Jay Pritchett : Breaker, breaker, Big Jay. Baby, what's your 20? Over.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Ay, that's so cute. You sound like Smoky and the bandito. Go on. Go on.

  Jay Pritchett : Hi, kid. This is your dad, Jay Pritchett. Uh, we're all pretty excited to meet you. Just a heads-up, I might be a few years older than you're expecting. But on the plus side, we're very comfortable.

  [putting his ear to Gloria's stomach] 

  Jay Pritchett : What's that? Nothin'? Tough womb. What are you doing in there? You sleepin'?

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : [singing off-key again]  Are you sleeping? Are you...

  Jay Pritchett : [taking the microphone back]  Ah, ah, ah. Ah! Still daddy's turn.

• Jay Pritchett : [reading to the baby]  "... leaving 17 dead and thousands without power."

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Ay, Jay, please! It's bad that the baby listens to such terrible things.

  Jay Pritchett : He's heard worse.

• Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : And this is our dining room, where we eat. And this is our kitchen, where we also eat.

  Manny Delgado : Who are you talking to? It looks like you lost your tour.

  Jay Pritchett : Or your mind.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : The baby. Shorty's girlfriend Darlene send it to me. She said it's for prenatal bonding. I love it. We took a tour of the house. We took a look at all my shoes. Come on, Jay, say something to the baby.

  Jay Pritchett : Darlene's an idiot.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Oh, yeah, beautiful. Your first words to our baby: "Darlene is an idiot."

  Jay Pritchett : This is stupid. The baby's only two inches away. He doesn't need speakers blasting at him. Like in restaurants nowadays where you can't even hear yourself think. Ah, you're gonna do whatever you want. Why do I bother?

  Manny Delgado : [to the baby]  Get used to that. Sometimes, you just gotta let him go. Then he eats some sherbet and falls asleep.

• Jay Pritchett : Sometimes I don't understand people. They do crazy things for the dumbest reasons. They convince themselves it'll all work out...

  Umpire : Please rise for the national anthem.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : I'm gonna show you who can sing.

  Jay Pritchett : Gloria. Oh, this is gonna be rough.

  [narrating] 

  Jay Pritchett : Despite all the evidence to the contrary.

• Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Baby, it's your mother again. I'm...

  Jay Pritchett : Gloria? Why don't we give him a break? He probably needs a minute because he just learned about a deadly tornado.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Okay, stop calling him a "he". What if he's a she and you're making her upset?

• Manny Delgado : [listening to Jay and Gloria argue]  What are you doing? Do you really want your unborn baby to hear you fighting like this? Studies show it's unhealthy for a fetus to be exposed to a stressful environment.

  Jay Pritchett : Studies? You're 13. Read a comic book. What times does your game start?

  Manny Delgado : I have to be there at 3:00 for hitting practice.

  Jay Pritchett : *Batting* practice.

  Manny Delgado : Not for me.

• Manny Delgado : Jay, do you know a good one-hour dry cleaner? And I don't mean the "must be in by 10:00, only on weekdays, and you need a coupon" kind. I mean a hard one-hour.

  Jay Pritchett : This conversation feels like a hard one hour. And what do you need it cleaned for? It's spotless.

  Manny Delgado : There's mustard here from Reuben's reuben. That's what happens when you put a narcissist in charge of snack day.

• Phil Dunphy : I think we should go for it. I think we should go for the house.

  Cameron Tucker : Really?

  Claire Dunphy : Okay, but careful, honey. Don't say something if you don't mean it.

  Phil Dunphy : No, I do mean it. I think you two will do a fantastic job.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Yeah, I do, too. I'm on board.

  Jay Pritchett : On board for what?

  Cameron Tucker : Oh, well, the four of us, uh, might go in on a house. Claire and I fix it up and flip it.

  Jay Pritchett : That's the worst idea I ever heard.

  Cameron Tucker : Okay.

  Jay Pritchett : You guys know nothing about construction. You'll make all sorts of mistakes, you'll turn on each other, you'll stop talking, and suddenly I'm doing two dinners a week instead of one because you can't be in the same room. Family and business doesn't mix. Ah, you're gonna do whatever you want. Why do I bother?

• Phil Dunphy : Two outs, bottom of the sixth. Tied at 4. This is it, folks. The whole game comes down to this. Manny Delgado, 0 for 3 on the day. Gloria, your thoughts?

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : I think he's going to hit the home run.

  Jay Pritchett : Please, God, give me one.

• Jay Pritchett : Gloria, stop it. No more singing.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Why?

  Jay Pritchett : Because you stink. You're a terrible singer. Come on. Let's get some lunch.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : How dare do you say that I am...

  Jay Pritchett : Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! No, no, no. No fighting in front of the baby. We just made a deal.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Yeah, but that's not fair because I am always in front of the baby!

  Jay Pritchett : Gloria, you're as close to perfect as a woman gets. Nothing wrong with one tiny, little flaw. Yours is when you start to sing, it sounds like something got stuck in the vacuum cleaner.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : That's... you're just...

  Jay Pritchett : Ah, ah, ah! No, no, no.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : [restraining her anger]  That is just your... stupid, stupid opinion, Jay. But I am very angry at you, and I am gonna make a list of all the things that I am going to scream at you as soon as this baby's out of me.

  Jay Pritchett : [in testimonial interviews]  I didn't think it all the way through.

• Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Manny, stand up straight!

  Jay Pritchett : But bend your knees.

  Claire Dunphy : Widen your stance!

  Manny Delgado : Would you please let me just...

  Phil Dunphy : [Manny is hit by the pitch]  Ooh!

  Umpire : Take your base!

  Luke Dunphy : You did it!

  Manny Delgado : I did it?

  Luke Dunphy : Run, Manny!

  Manny Delgado : [running towards third]  Yeah!

  Jay Pritchett : No, no, no, no! Not that way! Go this way! Oh, why do I bother? He's gonna do what he wants.