Review of Pirates

I have to give some credit to this film. Instead of making a stupid cheesy parody of the mainstream Disney 2003 film's 'Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl', which most porno flicks does; this film makes a strong effort, in making their own Pirate theme movie with crossover appeal. Because of this, this film was somewhat successful in standing out. Honestly, if you watch the Rated R edited version of the film, it proves that this porno can be watchable. Directed by Ali Davoudian AKA Joone, the movie tells the story of a clumsy absent-minded pirate hunter named Captain Edward Reynolds (Evan Stone) trying to find the feared Captain Victor Stagnetti (Tommy Gunn) and his crew of cutthroat pirates. With help from his first mate, Jules Steel (Jesse Jane) and a mysterious woman named Isabella Valenzuela (Carmen Luvana); Captain Reynolds embark on a journey, through the seven seas in hope, of finding Stagnetti and putting an end to his murderous madness, before he gets his hands on the ancient Inca weapon. Without spoiling the movie, too much, I have to say, for the most part, 2005's Pirates indeed jolly my Rogers with its sex scenes! The sex scenes were somewhat sexy and tasteful. However, there were some that were a little awkward. First off, the force lesbian scene with the pirate dancer (Jenaveve Jolie) and Isabella was a little too disturbing. It was already creepy enough that Isabella is being forced to do, a sex act, against her will, but seeing this, all happen in front of a crowd of hair-raising old pirates is really horrible. I really didn't like that scene at all. It really creeps me out and turn me off. At least, her later lesbian scene with Julies was a little more refined. I also didn't like her first sex scene in the movie, with her husband, Manuel (Kris Slater). It was a little too dark and damp looking. It had some really bad lighting. Another is the fact, that they have sex, yet again, later in the film, that wasn't really needed. The actress, Carmen Luvana was used, way too much in this film. I don't like seeing her, doing repetitive action like that. In my opinion, while, most of the sex scenes were hot. It was a bit jarring to see, how many white blondes with the same body type, they used for this production. I get that, Luvana is Puerto Ricans, but couldn't they find, somebody who looks more Hispanic than her to play Isabella? The reason, why I say this, is because, I really couldn't tell the different, between some of the women in this film. Mostly in the supporting cast. They all seem like they were playing the same character. While, there were a lot of diversity in the male casting, it seems like this movie was lacking diversity in the female department. It sucks, because for a movie about pirates in the Caribbean, you would think, there would be more brunettes, than blondes, more Hispanic, Black or Asian women than whites, walking around and more natural looking women than fake-looking Barbies. I'm just glad, that in the sequel has more realistic women, than the plastic big boob, Barbies in this film. Another sex scene, worth nitpicking about is the three-way pink cannonball scene between Captain Reynolds, and two wenches, Madelyn (Devon Striker) and Christina (Teagan Presley). The actresses screaming and moaning in this part, were really annoying. I felt like, my ears were going to bleed out, because of that. Another bad scene is the stupid burning house sex scene with Captain Reynolds and crazy lover, Angelina (Austyn Moore). Yes, the idea of seeing two people get it on, in a burning building, looks hot, but in real life, they would have all pass out, from smoke inhalation and burn to death. It was too painful to watch due to how stupid, it was. Another problem with this movie is the bad acting. While, Evan Stone isn't the worst actor in this film. He's far, too old to be playing the young leading role. Not only that, but I really didn't like his William Shatner style of acting. It was a bit annoying. Still, he has a natural charisma and sense of comic timing that would allow him to effortlessly move to mainstream films if he wanted. Jesse Jane in the other hand, can't. She's probably the sexy woman in the film, but she can't act, if her life, depend on it. Even, supporting characters were awful. While, it's nice to see a real Asian man played Wu Chow (Nhan). The dude can't act. He sounds like an idiot, most of the time. By far, the worst actor in this film, has to be the priest played by Harry Bali. He was so monotone with his delivery that it's laughable. In my opinion, the best acting, has to be Steven St. Croix and Tommy Gunn. I love Croix's Billy Zane type voice and Gunn's grumpy tone. One actress that seem somewhat wasted is Janine Lindemulder as Stagnetti's henchwoman, Serena. Honestly, I don't know, why she even came back to do porn, after her 1999 retirement. She really didn't add much to this movie. Also, her tattoos were a bit distracting. I don't know, many women pirates, having tattoos like that in the 18th century. Another distracting thing in this film is the bad special effects. The whole animated skeleton fight was really slow and bad. For being one of the most expensive pornographic film ever made, it doesn't show in the effects. However, the costumes, sets, and music were still pretty stunning for the budget, it had. Also props for having several of the scenes, shot on board the Bounty II, a replica of HMS Bounty. Overall: While, it's a lot better than the standard porno flick, it's not as good as its 2008 sequel, Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge. Still, check it out, if you want to.