User Reviews

As both horse operas and American Civil War movies go, seasoned second-unit director Michael D. Moore's "Fastest Guitar Alive" qualifies as egregiously abominable. This execrable, 87-minute, Sam Katzman produced, comic oater casts vocalist Roy Orbison and Sammy Jackson respectively as Confederate spies Johnny Banner and Steve Menlo. Neither one of them has a Southern accent. They masquerade as two slippery snake oil salesmen and rely on the guise of Dr. Ludwig Long's Magic Elixir traveling medicine show to cover their duplicity. At the same time, two cute gals named the Chestnuts sisters, Sue (Joan Freeman of "Roustabout") and Flo (Maggie Pierce of "Cattle King"), accompany them and perform with Johnny in their song and dance routine. This ruse is reminiscent of undercover Southerner spies Van Johnson and Milburn Stone in "Siege of Red River" (1954) who trundled around inconspicuously in a wagon selling patent medicine as a part of their subterfuge. They sang a song to alert their fellows spies about their presence. Basically, our harmless heroes are acting on orders from Confederate General Wingate to rob the San Francisco Mint. They steal a strongbox stuffed with $150-thousand dollars in gold at gunpoint after Johnny blasts a hole in the wall of the Mint. Nobody dies during the hold-up. Steve explains to the girls traveling with them that they stole the gold because the Confederacy has gone bankrupt. "Quiet Gun" scenarist Robert J. Kent has penned a lackluster plot reminiscent of the superior Errol Flynn & Randolph Scott western "Virginia City" (1940) where the Confederates were under orders to take silver from the Comstock Load and usher it south.

Meantime, Banner packs the title gimmick, a mean guitar that conceals a secret rifle, and he wields it with splendid accuracy. This exotic gadget anticipated the Lee Van Cleef Spaghetti western where William Berger toted a banjo that hid a repeating rifle. Orbison's character pulls this unusual weapon on a inquisitive deputy on the prowl, Rink (Ben Cooper of "Johnny Guitar"), who sneaks into their camp and tries to molest one of the Chestnut sisters. "In case you're interested," Banner warns the obnoxious Rink after he shoots Rink's black hat off the top of his head, "I can kill you with this and play your funeral march at the same time." Meanwhile, suspicious Marshal Max Cooper (John Doucette of "Sons of Katie Elder") saddles up to leave the city by the bay to pursue Johnny and Steve. Their contact man in San Francisco, Charlie (Lyle Bettger of "The Lone Ranger"), who operates a saloon, hits the trail to track them down not long after they hightail it with the gold. Repeatedly, our heroes encounter an Indian war party, but Johnny scares them off with his blazing guitar. Principally, he shoot an Indian chief spear in two and later the chief's ordinary guitar. Incidentally, these Native Americans are far from deadly. They pose no threat to our heroes or heroines. Eventually, when our heroes roll into the town of Prescott, Arizona, they discover that the South has surrendered. The owner of a local saloon the Palace Grand, Stella Witt (Patricia Donahue) persuades Johnny and the Chestnut sisters to perform, and then we learn that she is in cahoots with treacherous Charlie. As it turns out, our heroes decide to return the gold to Fort Marshal now that they know the civil is over. The Indians that chased them in the first half of this sagebrusher show up near the end to distract the people after them. Before they hit the trail to give up the gold, Marshal Cooper agrees to give them safe escort to the fort.

Legendary warbler Roy Orbison cannot act worth a hoot, but he can carry a tune. He sings several colorful songs, but he isn't the least bit convincing as a Southern spy. Of course, Orbison doesn't get much help from a shallow script that exploits the American Civil War for background. Kent's script doesn't develop the characters beyond their initial aims and their apparel. This lame western is nowhere near as enjoyable as Kent's earlier epic "The Quiet Gun" with Forrest Tucker. Just when things are getting interesting, this half-baked western concludes abruptly. Closure is decidedly lacking as our heroes never turn over the gold. Of course, we know that they will, but it's like Katzman quit while he was ahead. Director Michael Moore did his best work as a second unit helmer on hits like "Patton." Orbison never made another movie after this critical and commercial disaster. Reportedly, Elvis turned down this oater. The no frills Warner Archive Collection, made-on-demand, DVD contains only the movie. Production values are a notch above average, but this is strictly a lightweight western without a single killing in it and some veteran 1950s' western villains. Only die-hard Orbison fans need watch this curiosity piece.

I am actually old enough to remember when this film was new. The best thing about it was the original poster art by the great Frank Frazetta which appears on the soundtrack album but does not, for inexplicable reasons, appear on the VHS box. The gimmick of a guitar that doubles as a shotgun (not a spoiler since it appears in the poster art and the original trailers for this turkey) is all it has going for it. Even the songs sung by Roy don't make the cut. I think this was financed by confederate money as it has about as much value. As a curio and a time capsule piece, it's kind of a hoot but one viewing is all anyone should take. Any more, they might want to gouge their eyes out, but don't do that. Save that for maybe "The Man With The X-Ray Eyes." Roy Oribison can't act and I don't think they had pompadours that big in 1860 ANYTHING. It might make them too much of a target for Union soldiers.